Net Miles Of Smiles

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror,admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, “There really is no justice in the world.”

The other little old lady asked, “What do you mean by that?”

The first little old lady replied, “Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it.When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I’m 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I’m too old to squat.”

Comments (0) Jul 11 2008

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1. You can distinguish between “cocoa-tea” “bush-tea” and”green-tea”.

2. When someone sympathizes with you, you comment “Yuh tink seh it easy?”

3. You point with your lips.

4. You can’t say “three” or “thing” … you say “tree” and “ting”.

5. You say words like Heg (instead of Egg); Hingland (instead of England)

6. You give directions with your hands, even if it is in another state.

7. You go to parties for the food and drink and then cuss afterwards when the food and drink run out.

8. You nod your head upwards to greet someone.

9. You always find yourself standing next to plenty of luggage and boxes at the airport.

10. When you travel home, you bring an extra suitcase going down, it has none of your clothes; returning, it has food.

11. You hate to throw away empty containers as they might come in handy for pepper sauce or “green seasonings”.

12. You have one big pot you call curry pot when you are not even cooking curry.

13. You have another pot you called dutch pot.

14. You say “bwoy” at the beginning of a sentence and “man” at the end of it.

15. You always hang something on your rearview mirror.

16. You put pepper sauce on everything for the taste.

17. You think eating ackee and saltfish, plaintain and fried dumplings are a great morning breakfast.

18. You can’t go a week without a rice dish.

19. You think steak is a waste of good meat; you would rather cut it up and stew it with potatoes.

20. You chew and suck out all the marrow from the chicken bone and then pick out your teeth afterwards

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WHEN WILL THE BLACK MAN BE ACCEPTED AT FACE VALUE?

A Black Man walks into a prestigious private bank in midtown Manhattan and asks for the loan officer who politely tries to direct him to a more commercial establishment. The Black Man says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The loan officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the Black Man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. He has all the papers including the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.The news quickly spreads throughout the bank and over lunch, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the dumb “N -word ’s” expense for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

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Comments (0) Jul 11 2008

A story about a west indian man…a story dat wud only happen in di west
indies….as he writes:

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“Ah went wid mi fasness an get marrid to a widow who had a daughta dat was big already…

As ting will happen mi fadda come and fall in love wit mi new step daughta and he get marrid to she…

Derefor: mi fadda now get to be mi son in law while at di same time mi step daughta now become mi step mudda…But dat ent all

In di meantime, mi wife get pregnant an’ had mi son- mi son who now turn out to be mi fadda brudah in law and also mi own uncle because he is di bruddah of mi step muddah who is also mi step daughta. Is here tings turn real mad….

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ENG: It’s been a long time since I have seen you girl.
JAM: Gal yuh noh dead yet?

ENG: Oh Lord, we have lost electricity again.
JAM: Lawd Gad current lack aff again to rahtid.

ENG: This meal is not too bad.
JAM: Di food can eat.

ENG: Where did you buy that awful Bracelet Cindy?
JAM: A weh yuh buy dat deh big ole ugly bangle deh misis?

ENG: Hors d’heurves
JAM: Ah wah dis likkle sinting you a gi me?

ENG: I think something is wrong with Susan, she might have the flu.
JAM: Lawd gad obeah tek up Suzie!

ENG: Oh my God, I just broke mom’s expensive plate!
JAM: Lawd mi gad, mi bruk up mama stoosh crackry!

ENG: aren’t those pants a bitshort?
JAM: you did a expect flood or yuh tek yuh measurment inna wata?

ENG: Why are you squeezing the mangoes like that?
JAM: Lissen to mi nuh, mi a beg yuh stap fingle-fingle up di mango dem.

ENG: Sir, please don’t throw my luggage like that.
JAM: Aye buff teet bwoy, tap fling up-fling up mi bag dem suh man.

ENG: I wish you would quit lying.
JAM: Tap di blinkin lyin, yuh ole liyad.

ENG: Lift up the hood of the car for me John.
JAM: Hey my yute, fly di bonett rasta!

ENG: I am Waiting for a taxi and it’s taking so long!
JAM: But wait, no Robot naah run todey!

ENG: Get me a pop please.
JAM: Beg yuh carry wan drinks fi mi deh

ENG: It’s time for a Perm.
JAM: Gal yuh head waan Cream, yuh noh si how it tough?

ENG: Yuck!! This is nasty.
JAM: Kiss mi neck back!! What a sinting tase bad eeh!

ENG:I wish you would close your mouth.
JAM: yuh mout come in like when grip cyaan shut.

ENG: Girl, your acne is terrible.
JAM: Massa gad, pickney, yuh face bumpy-bumpy an fayva grayta eeh.

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A Jamaican guy enters a restuarant and while sitting at his table, he notices a gorgeous woman, sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for a bottle of the most expensve champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it she will be his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it over to the young lady, saying that its from the gentleman, she looks at the champagne and decides to send a note back to the gentleman, the note reads….” for me to accept this bottle of champagne, you need to have a mercedes in your garage, a million dollar in the bank and nine (9)inches in your trousers.”after reading this note the Jamaican sent back a note of his own, it reads….” jus

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Comments (0) Jul 11 2008