Net Miles Of Smiles

Biblical Theme Songs

Noah: “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head”
Adam and Eve: “Strangers in Paradise”
Lazarus: “The Second Time Around”
Esther: “I Feel Pretty”
Job: “I’ve Got a Right to Sing the Blues”
Moses: “The Wanderer”
Jezebel: “The Lady is a Tramp”
Samson: “Hair”Salome: “I Could Have Danced All Night”
Daniel: “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”
Esau: “Born To Be Wild”
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: “Great Balls of Fire!”
The Three Kings: “When You Wish Upon a Star”
Jonah: “Got a Whale of a Tale”
Elijah: “Up, Up, and Away”
Methuselah: “Stayin’ Alive”
Nebuchadnezzar: “Crazy”

——-

Car Accident

As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald’s one day,
we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that,
we say a prayer for those who might be hurt,
so I pointed and said to my son, “We should pray.”

From the back seat I heard his earnest request:
“Please, God, don’t let those cars block the entrance to McDonald’s.”

——-

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal
its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow
a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him “.

——-

Little Benjamin came running into the kitchen where his mother was working.
“Mom, can I please change my name right now?” he asked.
“But why would you want to do that?” replied his mom.
“Because Dad said he’s going to spank me as sure as my
name’s Benjamin!”

——-

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to
see each child’s work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she
asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks
like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, “They will in a minute.”

——-

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s
Michael, He’s a doctor.’

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the
teacher, she’s dead.”

——-

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking. In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”

Nun : Mother Superior told me.

Man : So, have you ever tried it?

Nun : No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor.

Man : Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life.

Nun : Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking. The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.”

The bartender looked at the man and said, “Is that nun in here again?”

——-

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped,
turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”

“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,
” explained the Flight Attendant, “and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

——-

One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush.

He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, “Why do you want one of those, son, you’re not handicapped.” The boy replied, “I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.”

——-

Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly,
jovial man, but there was one subject you didn’t dare discuss in
front of him: his height, or rather, his lack of it. He was very short
and apparently sensitive about the subject.
One day he stormed through the kitchen doors and announced

angrily, “Someone just picked my pocket!”
Everyone was speechless, except for one waitress who couldn’t
help herself as she blurted out, “How could anyone stoop so low?!”

——-

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps : “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator says : “Calm down, can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says : “Ok, now what?”

——-

Chances of my recovering

A patient was suffering from a disease and he was badly in trouble so he went to the doctor and asked:

Patient : “what are the chances of my recovering doctor?”

Doctor : “one hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated. The others all died”.

——-

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”

Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”