Net Miles Of Smiles

The more you know, the funnier it is. I laughed until I had tears
running down my face! You simply must read these observations on the
Bible! If the story of Joshua does not make you howl, then you are
not alive!

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The following is from a lady in Oregon. It is priceless! The Bible
explained by kids - truth has been redefined!

One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior church. We try to
do more
Than Baby-sit our church’s beloved little ankle-biters during their
time in
Our special junior church facility. We aim to give them a solid
background
In biblical history. At the end of each year, we give them pencils
and paper
And ask them to chronicle what they have learned. This assignment
never
Fails to elicit some intriguing responses. In case you’re a little
foggy on
Your biblical history, let our junior church students help you with
this
Complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays:

***********

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing
but God,
Darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one,’
but I
Think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a
Light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the
Adam and
Made Eve.

Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors
hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one
bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure
what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he
was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but
one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put
his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to
join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous
than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in
exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a
really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the
evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These
plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the
Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top
ten commandments. These include don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or
covet your neighbor’s bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom
that I’m not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he
talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:
Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy
to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell
over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by
killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had
about 300 wives and 500
Porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound
very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of
these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up
on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I
guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star
of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I
had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me,
Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say,
‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
Pharisee sand the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The
worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a
terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man He healed many leopards and even preached to
some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put
Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for
Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back
To life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of
the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

There! Now you understand it.

Comments (0) Jul 21 2008

For “you Moms”…this could be your kid….for “you Teachers”…this could have been your classroom!!! hahahahaha….

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Anyway you look at it…this little girl is going FAR in life…as her details are wonderful…she has not missed a beat!!! hahaha

* * *

The ‘Middle Wife’ by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

..

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
classroom a few years back.

..

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell
is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish
they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or
limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it,
they’re welcome.

..

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.

..

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is Luke, my baby brother,
and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.’

..

‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad
put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine
months through an umbrella cord.’

..

She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her
in amazement.

..

‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, ‘Oh, Oh,
Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around
the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical
duck walk and groaning.)

..

‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a

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Comments (0) Jul 21 2008

HI EVERYONE:

I THOUGHT THAT THIS WAS WORTH PASSING ON….

I will continue to share this every time it comes around!

STROKE: Remember The 1st Three Letters…. S.T.R.

My nurse friend sent this and encouraged me to
post it and spread the word. I agree.

If everyone can remember something this simple,
we could save some folks. Seriously..

Please read:

STROKE IDENTIFICATION:

During a BBQ, a friend stumbled and took a little fall,
she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered
to call paramedics) …..she said she had just tripped
over a brick because of her new shoes.

They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of
food. While she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went
about enjoying herself the rest of the evening.

Ingrid’s husband called later telling everyone that his
wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00 pm Ingrid
passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ.
Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke,
perhaps Ingrid would be with us today. Some don’t die,
they end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead.

It only takes a minute to read this…

A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim
within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a
stroke… totally . He said the trick was getting a stroke
recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient
medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough.

RECOGNIZING A STROKE
Thank God for the sense to remember the
‘3′ steps, STR . Read and Learn!

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify.
Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster The
stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when
people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke .

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke
by asking three simple questions:

S * Ask the individual to SMILE.
T * Ask the person to TALK and SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE
(Coherently) i.e. It is sunny out today)
R * Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS .

If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks,
call 911 immediately and describe the
symptoms to the dispatcher.

New Sign of a Stroke ——- Stick out Your Tongue

NOTE: Another ’sign’ of a stroke is this: Ask the person
to ’stick’ out his tongue.. If the tongue is ‘crooked’,
if it goes to one side or the other , that is also an
indication of a stroke.

A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this
e-mail sends it to 10 people; you can bet that
at least one life will be saved.

Comments (0) Jul 21 2008

At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

..

Since her new husband is so old, Lou
Anne decides that after their
wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is
concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they
spend the entire night together.

..

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and
the
expected “knock” on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door
opens
and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

..

They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and
she prepares to go to sleep.

..

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom
door, and it’s Wally. Again he is ready for more
“action”.

..

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the

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Comments (0) Jul 21 2008

Read this and make a copy for your files in case you need to refer to it someday. Maybe we should all take some of his advice! A corporate Attorney sent the following out to the employees in his company.

1. Do not sign the back of your credit cards. Instead, put “PHOTO ID REQUIRED.”

2. When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card Accounts, DO NOT put the complete account number on the “For” line. Instead, just put the last four numbers. The credit card company knows the rest of the number, and anyone who might be handling your check as it passes through all the check processing channels won’t have access to it.

3. Put your work phone # on your checks instead of your home Phone. If you have a PO box use that instead of your home address. If you do not have a PO Box, use your work address. Never have your SS# printed on your checks. (DUH!) You can add it if it is necessary. But if you have It printed, anyone can get it.

4. Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine. Do both sides of each license, credit card, etc. You will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to Call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place. I also carry a Photocopy of my passport when I travel either here or abroad. We’ve all heard horror stories about fraud that’s committed on us in stealing a Name, address, Social Security number, credit cards.

Unfortunately, I, an attorney, have firsthand knowledge because my Wallet was stolen last month. Within a week, the thieve(S) ordered an Expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had A credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer, received a PIN number From DMV to change my driving record information online, and more. But here’s some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know:

5. We have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately. But the key is having the toll free numbers and your card Numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them.

6. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where your credit cards, etc., were stolen. This proves to credit Providers you were diligent, and this is a first step toward an Investigation (if there ever is one).

But here’s what is perhaps most important of all: (I never even thought to do this.)

7. Call the 3 national credit reporting organizations Immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and also call the Social Security fraud line number. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over The Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your Credit knows your information was stolen, and they have to contact you by Phone to authorize new credit.

By the time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done. There are records of all the Credit checks initiated by the thieves’ purchase, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them dead in their tracks.

Now, here are the numbers you always need to contact about your wallet, etc, has been stolen:

1.) Equifax: 800-525-6285

2.) Experian (formerly TRW): 888-397-3742

3.) Trans Union : 800-6807289

4.) Social Security Administration (fraud line):800-269-0271

We pass along jokes on the Internet; we pass along just about everything.

If you are willing to pass this information along, it could really help someone that you care about.

Comments (0) Jul 21 2008

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as “HILLBILLIES.”

You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

..

1 She is not a “BABE” or a “CHICK” - She is a “BREASTED AMERICAN.”

2. She is not “EASY” - She is
“HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.”

3. She is not a “DUMB BLONDE” - She is a “LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.”

4. She has not “BEEN AROUND” - She is a

“PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.”

5 She does not “NAG” you - She becomes “VERBALLY REPETITIVE.”

6. She is not a “TWO-BIT HOOKER” - She is a “LOW COST PROVIDER.”

..

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

..

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Comments (0) Jul 21 2008