Net Miles Of Smiles

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

“Fred,” he replies.

“Fred what?” the officer asks.

“Just Fred,” the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker
a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer
then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to
have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along
with it. “Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?”

The biker replies, “It’s a long story, so stay with me. I was born
Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me
all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went
through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally
got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

“After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to

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Comments (0) Jul 25 2008

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

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Comments (0) Jul 25 2008

Thought everyone could use a good laugh!!

Subject: Rebate Checks

The federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.

If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs,

If we purchase a computer it will go to India,

If we purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and
Guatemala,

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Comments (0) Jul 25 2008

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She says, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?”
“We use it for sex.”
The researcher was a little taken back. “Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you

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Comments (0) Jul 25 2008

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will please find my 2008 tax return showing that I owe

$3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated
12

November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense)
is

paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat. I

am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6)
hammers

valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total

remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the “Presidential Election
Fund,”

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Comments (0) Jul 25 2008

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
“They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.
The dispatcher said, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way.”

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
“Disregard.” He says, “She got in the back-seat by mistake.”
___________________ ___________________ ___________________ _____________

FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know - I’ll come up and see.”
She starts up the stairs and pauses, “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea - listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful - knock on wood.”
She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you … as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
___________________ ___________________ ___________________ _____________

“I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!”

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?”

“No,” the second man replied, “it’s Thursday.”

And the third man chimed in, “So am I - let’s have a beer.”
___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___________

LITTLE OLD LADY

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.”

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Comments (0) Jul 25 2008