Net Miles Of Smiles

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, “What do you have in there, pal?”

“A mongoose.”

“What for?”

“Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I’m scared to death of snakes. That’s why I got this mongoose, for protection.”

“But,” the friend said, “you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.”

“That’s okay,” said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, “So is the mongoose.”

Comments (0) Aug 01 2008

Jim goes on vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they are visiting Jerusalem, Jim’s mother-in-law dies.

With the death certificate in hand, Jim goes to the American Consulate’s office to make arrangements to send the body back to the U.S. for proper burial.

The consulate, after hearing about the death of the mother-in-law, tells Jim that sending a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive — it could cost as much as $5,000. The consulate continues and explains that in most cases, the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body in the country where he or she passed away. This would only cost $150.

Jim thinks for some time and answers, “I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back; that’s what I want to do.”

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Comments (0) Aug 01 2008

Father : How were the exam questions?
Son : Easy

Father : Then why look so unhappy?
Son : The questions didn’t give me any trouble, just the answers!

Comments (0) Aug 01 2008

BELIEVE it or not ,
These are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired
of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!

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Comments (0) Aug 01 2008

“Old World Charm” = No bathroom.
“Tropical” = Rainy.
“Majestic Setting” = A long way from town.
“Options Galore” = Nothing included.
“Secluded Hideaway” = Impossible to find.
“Register Early” = No vacancies.
“Explore On Your Own” = Bring lots of money.
“No Extra Fees” = No extras.

Comments (0) Aug 01 2008

Does your Company have a problem in recruiting the
right person for the right chair? If yes, try this
simple experiment.

Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a
closed room with an open window. Then send 2-3
candidates into the room and close it from outside.
Leave them alone and let them think and come back after
6 hours, and then analyze the situation:

If they are counting and recounting the number of
bricks
PUT THEM IN ACCOUNTS DEPT.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks
PUT THEM IN ENGINEERING.

If they are arranging the bricks in some other order
PUT THEM IN PLANNING.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other
PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS.

If they are sleeping
PUT THEM IN SECURITY.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces
PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.

If they are sitting idle
PUT THEM IN HUMAN RESOURCE DEPT.

If they have thrown the bricks out of the window
PUT THEM IN THE MATERIALS DEPT.

If they are clinging onto the bricks
PUT THEM IN TREASURY.

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Comments (0) Aug 01 2008