Net Miles Of Smiles

Rodney Dangerfield - One-Liners!

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet
she won’t drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy
negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I
went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are
you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate
myself now.”

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when
you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen
the roaches hang themselves.

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, “Why?” He said, “Because you came home early.”

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I’m not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from
Chicago last night.

When I was kidnapped, the kidnappers sent my parents a note that said
“We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.”

I went to see my doctor. I told him, “Doctor, every morning when I get
up and look into the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with
me? He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”