Net Miles Of Smiles

A drunkard walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

Comments (0) Aug 13 2008

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city.

Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room. “You can’t get

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Comments (0) Aug 13 2008

Collards is green,
my dog’s name is Blue
And I’m so lucky to have
a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like corn silk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue’s
and without all them fleas.

***

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry
jist a-fry’n in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as “snuff”
right out of the can.

***

You have some’a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we’re out in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
Well, I’m in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

***

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
What I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

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Comments (0) Aug 13 2008

A church choir was putting on a car wash to raise
money for a special trip to Bethlehem.

They made a large sign that read:

CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP.

On the scheduled Saturday, business was very good.
But, by two o’clock the sky clouded, the rain poured,
and there were hardly any customers. Finally, one of
the soprano singers had an idea.

She printed a very large poster with the words:

WE WASH. GOD RINSES.
(Next to the words was an arrow pointing skyward.)

Business boomed!

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Today’s Funny Quote:

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it,
but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
– Unknown

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Comments (0) Aug 13 2008

Some Boy Scouts from the big city were on a camping trip
for the first time.

The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide
under their blankets to avoid being bitten.

Then one of them saw some lightening bugs and said to his
friend, “We might as well give up. Now they’re coming after
us with flashlights!”

Comments (0) Aug 13 2008

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.
Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

“I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing
each other for 25 cents,” she said.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’”

Comments (0) Aug 13 2008