Net Miles Of Smiles

An older lady was expecting a gentleman friend to call on
her later in the day. She was nervous because her eyesight
was failing and was afraid her friend might reject her
because she was less than perfect. So, she came up with a
plan to prove to him that she could see perfectly.

She put a straight pin in a tree that was about 200 feet
from her front porch.

When her beau arrived, they sat in the porch swing and were
talking when she suddenly stopped the conversation and
asked, “Is that a pin sticking in that tree?”

Her friend squinted his eyes and said, “I don’t see a
thing.”

“Well, I’m going to go see,” she said as she jumped up, ran
toward the tree, and collided with a cow.

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Today’s Funny Quote:

Before I met my husband I’d never fallen in love,
though I’ve stepped in it a few times.
– Rita Rudner

Comments (0) Aug 21 2008

A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive thirty-year-old
single malts and has the bartender line them up in front of him.

Then, without pausing, he downs each one.

“Whew,” the bartender remarks, “you seem to be in a hurry.”

“You would be, too, if you had what I have.”

“What do you have?” the bartender sympathetically asks.

“Fifty cents.”

Comments (0) Aug 21 2008

Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is
standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long,
hard look at herself.

“You know, Harvey,” she comments. “I stare into this
mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all
wrinkled, my upper body sags so much that it dangles
to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped
balloons, and my behind looks like a sad, deflated version
of the Hindenberg!”

She turns to face her husband and says, “Dear, please
tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can
feel better about myself.”

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then
says in a soft, thoughtful voice, “Well…you’ve got
good eyesight.”

Comments (0) Aug 21 2008

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Iraq several years before the War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Iraq recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation. “This is marvelous,” said the journalist. “What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?”

Replied the Iraqi woman, “Land mines”

Comments (0) Aug 21 2008

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said,”You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.”
The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock’n'roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”
“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”
“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest, “But I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”
“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof.”

+++++++++

The problem with outsourcing

Was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in Pakistan.
Told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.

Comments (0) Aug 21 2008

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

“I’m sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you,” she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!

“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? ”

“No,” she replies. . . . .

“You just happened to catch my eye.”

(oh shut up, and just forward it!)

Comments (0) Aug 21 2008