Posted: under Short Funny Jokes.
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
“I’m diabetic and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today.” the caller said.
“Are you light-headed?” my colleague asked.
“No,” the caller answered, “I’m a brunette.”
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Sep 03 2008
Posted: under Dumb Blonde Jokes.
Tags: blonde, computer, fool, funny, home, House, humor, idiot, internet, jokes, laughter, neighbor, online, smiles
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when an attractive Blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox.
She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, “Is something wrong?”
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Sep 03 2008
Posted: under Dumb Blonde Jokes.
A Blonde decides to do something wild she hasn’t done before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. When she arrives home, she lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR.
To her disappointment, there’s nothing but static on the screen.
So she calls the video store to complain, “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape but static.”
“Sorry about that,” replied the store clerk.
“We’ve had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?”
The blonde replied, “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner.’”
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Sep 03 2008
Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes.
The PANTS - Advice for a good Marriage…
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, “Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, “Here - try these on.” She did and said, “These are too big. I can’t wear them.” I replied, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.” Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.
“Hmmm,” said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, “Here - try these on.” She tried them on and said, “These are too large. They don’t fit me.” Mike said, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that.”
Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, “Here-you try on mine.” He did and said, “I can’t get into your pants.” Karen said, “Exactly. And if you don’t change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.”
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Sep 03 2008
Posted: under Short Funny Jokes.
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
“The wife responded, “Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
====
Today’s Funny Quote:
What do you get when you cross the
Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can’t understand.
-Unknown
====
Have a TERRIFIC day!
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Sep 03 2008
Posted: under Short Funny Jokes.
Tags: age, alcohol, attendant, bar, beer, birthday, captain, champagne, Chinese, church, coffee, donkey, drunk, elderly, film, flight, fool, funny, gin, government, hospital, humor, idiot, job, jokes, laughter, liquor, man, mayor, minister, money, movie, New York, Olympics, parson, party, pastor, pilot, plane, politics, pope, preacher, president, priest, reverend, rum, scotch, seniors, sermon, service, shampoo, short, smiles, sports, tequila, ticket, vodka, whiskey, wine, woman, work
Palin Pick
John McCain has picked Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. We’re learning more and more about Governor Palin.
Apparently her daughter’s name is Juno.
- Jay Leno
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Second Fattest
According to a new study, Mexico is now the second fattest nation on Earth, right behind the United States.
That’s because the only people left in Mexico are the ones too fat to actually run across the border.
- Jay Leno
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Liquid Vote
According to CNN News, John McCain would win if only beer drinkers voted. A Democrat, either Hillary or Barack, would win if only wine drinkers voted.
Here’s the interesting part: If we all got drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot.
- Jay Leno
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Chinese Oil
The latest word is that China is going to go into the oil business. We could one day get our gasoline from China.
Good luck trying to find unleaded.
- Jay Leno
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Gore Birthday
Happy birthday to Al Gore. God bless him. He’s 60 years old.
He just couldn’t enjoy his party, though. He was so obsessed with how quickly the ice cream was melting.
- Jay Leno
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Suicide Donkeys
It seems that terrorists are using suicide donkeys to carry out missions. They pack them with explosives and then detonate them.
Let me tell you something: If you use a donkey for a suicide mission, you can pretty much kiss your ass goodbye.
- Jay Leno
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Decathlon
President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. I don’t think he really understands the Olympics that well.
They asked him if he liked the decathlon, and he said, no, he preferred regular coffee.
- Jay Leno
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Pricey Gas
Gas is getting quite expensive.
In LA now if you call 911 they ask you if you can meet the ambulance halfway.
- Jay Leno
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Adultery Sermon
On Sunday, Hillary Clinton attended church services in Bowling Green. It just so happened that the minister gave a 60 minute sermon on adultery.
Here is the really embarrassing part: Right after the minister finished, Bill stood up and gave a 20 minute rebuttal.
- Jay Leno
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American Gladiators
The show “American Gladiators” is a big hit on NBC.
This show is for people who like professional wrestling but are unable to follow the plot.
- Jay Leno
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Buy Happiness
According to a study by the University of British Columbia and Harvard, money can buy happiness but only if you spend the money on someone else.
To which former Governor Eliot Spitzer said, “See!”
- Jay Leno
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Meeting Record
Oil company executives met with Congress yesterday.
Oil executives talking to politicians. I believe they set a record for the most number of lies ever told in one room.
- Jay Leno
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Virtual Fence
The government has pulled the plug on the virtual fence it was going to build along the U.S. - Mexican border.
Why announce that? Why not just say it’s there. At least it will scare off the really stupid people.
- Jay Leno
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Pregnant Man?
A man in Oregon claims he’s pregnant.
And you thought you had a wild spring break.
- Jay Leno
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Dr. Seuss Movie
The big movie that is opening this weekend is the Dr. Seuss film, “Horton Hears a Who.”
Don’t confuse it with the new film about the governor of New York, “Eliot Hires a Ho.”
- Jay Leno
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Poverty Rate
According to a new report, New Jersey has the lowest poverty rate of any state.
You know what that means? Even poor people don’t want to live in New Jersey.
- Jay Leno
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Alchohol Warning
Delegates at the Democratic Convention received three separate warnings not to drink too much, because alcohol has a much stronger effect in higher altitudes.
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Sep 03 2008