Palin Pick
John McCain has picked Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. We’re learning more and more about Governor Palin.
Apparently her daughter’s name is Juno.
- Jay Leno
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Second Fattest
According to a new study, Mexico is now the second fattest nation on Earth, right behind the United States.
That’s because the only people left in Mexico are the ones too fat to actually run across the border.
- Jay Leno
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Liquid Vote
According to CNN News, John McCain would win if only beer drinkers voted. A Democrat, either Hillary or Barack, would win if only wine drinkers voted.
Here’s the interesting part: If we all got drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot.
- Jay Leno
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Chinese Oil
The latest word is that China is going to go into the oil business. We could one day get our gasoline from China.
Good luck trying to find unleaded.
- Jay Leno
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Gore Birthday
Happy birthday to Al Gore. God bless him. He’s 60 years old.
He just couldn’t enjoy his party, though. He was so obsessed with how quickly the ice cream was melting.
- Jay Leno
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Suicide Donkeys
It seems that terrorists are using suicide donkeys to carry out missions. They pack them with explosives and then detonate them.
Let me tell you something: If you use a donkey for a suicide mission, you can pretty much kiss your ass goodbye.
- Jay Leno
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Decathlon
President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. I don’t think he really understands the Olympics that well.
They asked him if he liked the decathlon, and he said, no, he preferred regular coffee.
- Jay Leno
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Pricey Gas
Gas is getting quite expensive.
In LA now if you call 911 they ask you if you can meet the ambulance halfway.
- Jay Leno
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Adultery Sermon
On Sunday, Hillary Clinton attended church services in Bowling Green. It just so happened that the minister gave a 60 minute sermon on adultery.
Here is the really embarrassing part: Right after the minister finished, Bill stood up and gave a 20 minute rebuttal.
- Jay Leno
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American Gladiators
The show “American Gladiators” is a big hit on NBC.
This show is for people who like professional wrestling but are unable to follow the plot.
- Jay Leno
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Buy Happiness
According to a study by the University of British Columbia and Harvard, money can buy happiness but only if you spend the money on someone else.
To which former Governor Eliot Spitzer said, “See!”
- Jay Leno
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Meeting Record
Oil company executives met with Congress yesterday.
Oil executives talking to politicians. I believe they set a record for the most number of lies ever told in one room.
- Jay Leno
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Virtual Fence
The government has pulled the plug on the virtual fence it was going to build along the U.S. - Mexican border.
Why announce that? Why not just say it’s there. At least it will scare off the really stupid people.
- Jay Leno
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Pregnant Man?
A man in Oregon claims he’s pregnant.
And you thought you had a wild spring break.
- Jay Leno
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Dr. Seuss Movie
The big movie that is opening this weekend is the Dr. Seuss film, “Horton Hears a Who.”
Don’t confuse it with the new film about the governor of New York, “Eliot Hires a Ho.”
- Jay Leno
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Poverty Rate
According to a new report, New Jersey has the lowest poverty rate of any state.
You know what that means? Even poor people don’t want to live in New Jersey.
- Jay Leno
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Alchohol Warning
Delegates at the Democratic Convention received three separate warnings not to drink too much, because alcohol has a much stronger effect in higher altitudes.
I guess they didn’t want anyone getting drunk and accidentally sleeping with John Edwards again.
- Jay Leno
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Important Job
Today President Bush called Governor Palin and congratulated her.
Bush told Palin the job of vice president is very important because as vice president, you get to tell the president what to do.
- Jay Leno
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Safety Issue
The F.A.A. announced that more planes are being grounded because the wiring in the wheel well could cause an explosion, but assured the public that there was no issue of public safety.
Really, no safety issue there, but when I show up with three ounces of shampoo in my luggage…
- Jay Leno
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Health Questions
Although Joe Biden is in great physical condition, Republicans are raising questions about his health.
You can’t expect every vice president to be the picture of health like Dick Cheney.
- Jay Leno
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Historic Pick
In 1984, Sarah Palin came in second in the Miss Alaska beauty pageant. Now she could be the next vice-president of the United States.
You know what that means? For the first time in history, a beauty pageant contestant might actually bring about world peace.
- Jay Leno
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Smart Survey
According to a new survey, 56 percent of women say they would rather be thinner than smarter.
The other 44 percent were models who didn’t understand the question.
- Jay Leno
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New Movie
Britney Spears will play a lesbian stripper killer in Quentin Tarantino’s new movie.
There will be nudity in the film. Britney says she is comfortable wearing clothes if it is essential to the plot.
- Jay Leno
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Sad Saudis
The Saudi OPEC chief said today that the Saudis are very unhappy with the current spike in oil prices.
I believe that’s what’s known in the oil business as lying.
- Jay Leno
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Lead Hazard
According to the EPA, lead particles in the air in Los Angeles cost six thousand deaths a year.
We call them ‘bullets.’
- Jay Leno
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