Net Miles Of Smiles

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

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Comments (0) Sep 12 2008

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear.

..

He goes down another thirty feet and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, “How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?”

..

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Comments (0) Sep 12 2008

“Dad, I don’t want to go to school today.” said the boy.

“Why not, son?”

“Well, one of the chicken on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.”

“But why don’t you want to go today?”

“Because our English teacher died yesterday!”

Comments (0) Sep 12 2008

A woman driving in Brooklyn stopped her car for a red light.
However, when the light turned green again, she just stayed right where she was.

When the light had changed several times and she still hadn’t moved,
the traffic policeman finally went over to her and inquired politely,
“What’s the matter, lady, ain’t we got no colors you like?”

Comments (0) Sep 12 2008

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded
to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”

“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are you callin’ from?”

Comments (0) Sep 12 2008

How To Bake A Cake

1. Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
2. Remove blocks and toy cars from table.
3. Grease pan, crack nuts.
4. Measure two cups flour.
5. Remove baby’s hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
6. Remeasure flour.
7. Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
8. Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
9. Get another bowl.
10. Answer doorbell.
11. Return to kitchen.
12. Remove baby’s hands from bowl.
13. Wash baby.
14. Answer phone.
15. Return.
16. Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
17. Look for baby.
18. Grease another pan.
19. Answer telephone.
20. Return to kitchen and find baby.
21. Remove baby’s hands from bowl.
22. Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
23. Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
24. Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
25. Call baker.
26. Lie down.

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Have a TERRIFIC day!

Comments (0) Sep 12 2008