Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes.
Tags: airport, alcohol, bank, bar, beer, bliss, blood, boobs, brandy, breasts, butt, champagne, check, christmas, companion, couple, divorce, dog, drugs, drunk, earth, exam, family, flight, funds, funny, genius, gin, global, globe, granny, happiness, hilarious, history, humor, husband, jokes, joy, land, language, laughter, life, lifestyle, lifetime, liquor, loan, man, marriage, money, mother, mother-in-law, others, parent, partner, peace, perfection, pharmacist, pharmacy, politics, pool, pub, quiz, record, rectum, restaurant, rum, scotch, smiles, snow, spouse, tequila, test, ticket, universe, value, vodka, waitress, whiskey, wife, wine, wisdom, woman, words, world
25 Words of Wisdom
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1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and asshole.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it’s OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a woman wearing a large tee shirt with ‘Guess’ on it.
I said,”Breast implants?”
5. I don’t do drugs ’cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store:”Buy one dog, get one flea…”
7. Money can’t buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal”?
10. I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have “Schiffer Brains.”
18. No one ever says “It’s only a game!” when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always
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Sep 15 2008
Posted: under Short Funny Jokes.
Tags: bar, beer, brandy, dinner, funny, gin, humor, jokes, laughter, man, money, restaurant, rum, short, smiles, tequila, waiter, waitress, whiskey, wine, woman
A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter.
“Do you recall,” he asked pleasantly, “how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn’t pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a common bum?”
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Sep 15 2008
Posted: under Short Funny Jokes.
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.
Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”
“Really,” he said, “have you tried mouthwash?”
Sep 15 2008
Posted: under Short Funny Jokes.
Tags: bank, check, funds, funny, humor, jokes, language, laughter, lesson, Little Johnny, loan, Mathematics, money, Professor, short, smiles, surprise, teacher, tutor, voice, words
Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. ‘If you had ten dollars,’ said the teacher, ‘and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?’
‘Ten,’ said Little Johnny firmly.
‘Ten?’ the teacher said ‘How do you make it ten?’
‘Well,’ replied Little Johnny ‘You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn’t mean you’ll get it!’
Sep 15 2008
Posted: under Jamaican Jokes.
Tags: baby, beauty, Big Boy, dad, dialect, doctor, eyes, family, father, funny, glasses, hands, hilarious, home, hospital, House, humor, Jamaican, jokes, language, laughter, listening, mother, neighbor, nurse, parents, patois, physician, smiles, specialist, surgeon, vernacular, vision, voice, words
Big Boy’s neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born
without ears. When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital,
Big Boy’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Big Boy’s dad had a talk with him and
explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so
much as mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said
the word “ears” he would get the spanking of his life when they came back
home.
Big Boy told his dad he understood completely. When Big Boy looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.” The mother said, “Why, thank you, Big Boy.”
Big Boy said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and
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Sep 15 2008
Posted: under Jamaican Jokes.
Tags: age, car, cop, elderly, funny, hilarious, humor, Jamaica, Jamaican, jokes, laughter, license, money, officer, patrolman, police, seniors, sex, sheriff, smiles, traffic, vehicle
A policeman was making his evening rounds in rural Jamaica. As he was
checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
Were they trying to steal it?
“Heavens no, we bought it.”
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Sep 15 2008