Net Miles Of Smiles

BELIEVE it or not ,
These are REAL 911 Calls!

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Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

~”"~”"~

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired
of it!

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Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

~”"~”"~

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

~”"~”"~

And the winner is……….

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath.
Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Comments (0) Sep 18 2008

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast.
Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

“Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from
mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay,
as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that?
I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience.
You did write, didn’t you?”

“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband. “But I, I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’ so I
made it ‘risk.’”

Comments (0) Sep 18 2008

Harry, a TV repairman, was called to fix a television set that had
neither sound nor picture.
Left alone in the room, Harry spotted the cause immediately the set was
unplugged. Harry faced a dilemma one part of him said he shouldn’t

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Comments (0) Sep 18 2008

A Texas school teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots. He asked her for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked and sure enough, they were.

It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time, on the right feet. He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?”, like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off when he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My mom made me wear them.”

Now, she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said, “I stuffed ‘em in the toes of my boots.”

___________

“U Don’t Stop Laughing Cause U Grow Old, U Grow Old Because U Stop Laughing!”

Comments (0) Sep 18 2008

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Jamaican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.

Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Jamaican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Jamaican replied, ‘only a little while.’
The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Jamaican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.
The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?
The Jamaican fisherman said, “Me sleep late, fish a likkle, play wid me pickney, mek love wid me wife, tek a stroll ina de village each evening where me drink rum and play domino wid me bredren. Me have a full and busy life, sah.”

The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should
spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the
proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats.
Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats and instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery.
You would control the product, processing and distribution.
You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Kingston, then LA and eventually New York City where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Jamaican fisherman asked, “But sah, how long will all dis tek?”
The American replied, “15-20 years.”
“Den wha’ next me a’ do, sah?”
The American laughed, smiled, and said “that’s the best part. When the
time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”

“Millions, sah? Den wha’?” asked the Jamaican.

This made the American pause… then he humbly replied…

“Then you would retire, move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, make love with your wife, take walks into the village in the evenings where you could drink rum and play dominoes with your friends.”

Comments (0) Sep 18 2008

A Jamaican is strolling down the street in Kingston and kicks a bottle lying in the street.

Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.

The Jamaican is stunned, and the Genie says,

“Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want.”

The Jamaican begins thinking, “Well, I really like drinking rum.”

Finally the Jamaican says, “Is rum me like fe drink, mek me pee

rum,” man!

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Comments (0) Sep 18 2008