Net Miles Of Smiles

A young Jamaican man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

He tells the loan officer that he is going to Jamaica on a vacation for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Jamaican man hands over the keys to a brand new BMW 740i.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank.

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Comments (0) Sep 18 2008

This Guyanese man came to New York worked three jobs, accumulated great wealth and became very rich. He however liked to boast and consume alcohol. One time he invited his friend who had just migrated from Guyana, for a drink, and of course to show off.

“Rich Guyanese”- Bai, na think me get all this because I win de lottery. I wuk me backside off.

“Regular Guyanese”- me know me know. Me hear how u does wuk hard.

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Comments (0) Sep 18 2008

David had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, David’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and David used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he ws finishing the euology, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he had been wearing when David died. He said, “You know, David handed me

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Comments (0) Sep 18 2008

A little old lady was walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There was a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill flew out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her….”Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag…” “Darn!” says the little old lady…..”I’d better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!”

“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?” “Oh, no”, says the little old lady. “You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football

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Comments (0) Sep 18 2008

A group of scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the tested subjects:

1) argued over nothing.

2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn’t drive.

7) Failed to think rationally

Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

Comments (0) Sep 18 2008

WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIRLINES IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA!
ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORDERN MITCHIGEN, NORT & SOUT DAKOTA

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, the no-frills airline. You’re all in da same boat on Lutran Air, here flyin is a upliftin experience:

- Dair is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.

- Meals are potluck. Rows 1 tru 6, bring rolls; 7 tru 15, bring a salad; 16 tru 21, a hot dish, and 22-30, a dessert.

- Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.

- Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.

- All fares are by free will offering, and da plane will not land til da budget is met.

- Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air.

Okay den, listen up; I’m only gonna say dis vonce: In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn’t bodder with doze liddle masks on da rubber tu bes–you’re gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes.

Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we’re gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I’d say forget it.

Start saying da Lord’s Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say ‘trespass against us,’ which isn’t right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane’s navigation system, which is by da pants all da way. No, it’s because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant you to use a cell phone, He wudda put your mout on da side of your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it’s buffet style wit da coffeepot up front. Den we’ll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pockets in front of you. Don’t take yours wit you when you go or I am gonna be real upset and I am NOT kiddin!

Right now I’ll say Grace: Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost, May we land in Dulut or pretty close.

Comments (0) Sep 18 2008