Net Miles Of Smiles

A bum asks a man for $2.

The man asked, “Will you buy booze?”

The bum said, “No.”

The man asked, “Will you gamble it away?”

The bum said, “No.”

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Comments (0) Sep 21 2008

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends
to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,
and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body catorgorized (e.g. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,
A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does “varicose” mean? (I do love this one…)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Comments (0) Sep 21 2008

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for
prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.

“No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my
hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the guru said.

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Comments (0) Sep 21 2008

A new business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send
him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site,
and the owner read the card, which said, “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,
the florist replied, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake,
but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this:
Somewhere there is a funeral taking place, and they have flowers with a note
saying,
‘Congratulations on your new location.’”

Comments (0) Sep 21 2008

Why did the potato cross the road?
He saw a fork up ahead.

How do you describe an angry potato?
Boiling Mad.

Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?
Because he was a commontater.

Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.

What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?
Anything, just butter him up.

What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?
It’s mashing!

What do you call a baby potato?
A small fry!

Comments (0) Sep 21 2008

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street
from the old established hair cutters’ place.

They put up a big bold sign which read:

“WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!”

Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign:

“WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS”

Comments (0) Sep 21 2008