Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes.
Tags: funny, hilarious, jokes, money, restaurant
Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door
to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time,
Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black
bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming
from the restaurant’s kitchen.
One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from
the restaurant for ‘enjoyment of food’. So he went to the
restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything
from them.
The manager said, “You’re enjoying our food, so you should
pay us for it.”
Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the
hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side
of the case. The manager said, “Every day, this man comes
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Sep 28 2008
Posted: under Short Funny Jokes.
Tags: age, asset, body, brain, butt, dog, entertainment, era, excitement, eyes, fire, food, funny, hair, humor, jokes, lake, laughter, legs, love, man, money, ocean, others, period, pond, pool, rain, rectum, rivers, sea, short, smiles, stream, time, water, woman
1) No one expects you to take a bath every day.
2) If it itches, you can scratch it.
3) There’s no such thing as bad food.
4) A rawhide bone can entertain you for hours.
5) If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
6) You can lie around all day without worrying about being fired.
7) You don’t get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap.
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Sep 28 2008
Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes.
Tags: alcohol, anxiety, bar, beer, boss, breakfast, champagne, check, child, christmas, coffee, companion, company, couple, dad, dance, depression, dinner, drunk, duty, employee, employer, eyes, fashion, father, flowers, funds, funny, gin, granny, heart, hilarious, home, House, humor, husband, job, jokes, kisses, labor, lake, language, laughter, letter, lipstick, liquor, listening, love, make-up, makeup, manager, marriage, Mathematics, medication, medicine, mirror, money, morning, mother, mother-in-law, ocean, pants, partner, party, pond, pool, pub, rain, rivers, rose, rum, scotch, sea, sleep, smiles, spouse, stream, stress, style, supervisor, task, taste, tea, time, vodka, voice, water, whiskey, wife, wine, words, work
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… What happened last night?”
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Sep 28 2008
Posted: under Short Funny Jokes.
Tags: funny, jokes, man, quotes, short, smiles, wine, woman
Woman’s Quote of the Day:
“Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you’d like to have dinner with.”
**********
Men’s Counter-Quote of the Day:
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Sep 28 2008
Posted: under Nasty and Rude Jokes.
Tags: couple, funny, hilarious, humor, husband, jokes, laughter, man, marriage, penis, smiles, spouse, wife, woman
“Please don’t feel bad. It wasn’t you entering the men’s washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It’s rare us guys ever hit what we’re aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I’ll make sure I hit something.
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You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men’s penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I’m telling ‘ya those little buggers can’t be trusted.
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After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I’m no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.
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Now another thing us guys don’t usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I’m such a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it’s a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding about it. It’s the dreaded “morning wood.”
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Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can’t get that thing to bend, and if it won’t bend you can’t aim, well hell, if you can’t aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet.
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And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin’ toilet seat won’t stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim. Now sometimes, when you’re newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it’s just not safe.
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Sep 28 2008