Net Miles Of Smiles

The Call to Worship is, “Y’all come on in!”

The Bible’s used mostly to create loud noises.

The collection plates are hub caps from a ‘56 Chevy.

The pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering.” Then five guys and two women stand up

The baptismal fountain is a #2 galvanized washtub.

Baptism is referred to as “branding.”

Saltines and Boone Farm wine are used for communion.

The choir is known as the “OK Chorale.”

The choir robes were donated and embroidered with the logo from “Billy Bob’s Barbecue.”

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

People think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

The pastor’s colorful shoes have a visible “8 1/2″ on the back.

You hear long prayers complaining about the weather and beer prices.

Holiday church decorations include Santa and the Easter Bunny.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

Congregation grumbles about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

Finding and returning lost sheep isn’t just a parable.

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ‘em.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because, “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.”

There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

The church bulletin has the NASCAR schedule printed on the back.

The final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now, yah hear?”

The picture of Jesus looks a lot like Elvis!

Comments (0) Oct 07 2008

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture”

and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

…

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

“We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.”

“Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately,”

Pilot - “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land … it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, “This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

Once on a southwest flight, the pilot said, “We’ve reached our cruising altitude now, and I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I’m switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella…WHOA..!”

“Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.”

“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

Last one off the plane must clean it.”

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry…Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault… it was the asphalt!”

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really fighting it. After an extremely hard landing the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

From a Southwest Airlines employee… “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 623 to Duluth. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at USAirways.”

Comments (0) Oct 07 2008

Comment
unnecessary!

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, ‘I
cannot accept money from you.
I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist is pleased
and leaves the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next
morning there is a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting
for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you.
I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop is happy and
leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up
there is a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at
his door.

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when

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Comments (0) Oct 07 2008

The economy always has and always will have its ups and downs. It’s easy to coast through the good times, but how do you come out of the tough times unscathed?

…

STEPS

1. TALK IT OVER. Sit down with every member of your household and go over your finances.

***How you resolve any differences in your approach to money will have a profound effect on your relationship’s chances of succeeding: Take a Healthy Approach to Finances in Your Relationship.

***Now is the perfect time to set an example of your children, and show them how a family can pull together during tough times and everyone can chip in: Teach Your Child About Budgeting and Get Adult Kids to Pay Their Share.

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Comments (0) Oct 07 2008

Let me be the rock to lean on.
Hands to help you walk the path
Remove traces of confusion
You are in my heart.

~*~

When the morning sun rise
I will be your humming bird
To eliminate your distress
You are in my mind.

~*~

Your sad eyes filled with tears
Let me wipe it with caring stares
And we will look on the sunset together
You don’t need to go farther.

~*~

When you feel everything is falling
let me raise you with my spirit
When pain resides in your heart
I will kiss them away with love.

~*~

When everyone is against you
I will stay and be your shield
Lift you up, be with you
I am your friend.

~*~

You are born in my heart
I will not disgrace your trust
Let me warm you with my love
Truly a friend, one who cares.

–Author Unknown

++++++
I truly care for you…

Comments (0) Oct 07 2008

I Give To You
A fire to light inside your heart,
to feel the warm embers glow.
A piece of the sun’s warm rays,
to bask in it’s fiery show.

^*^

I Give To You
A piece of a rainbow to color your
world, when all seems totally gray.
Some roses for the sweet perfume,
to kiss your senses with its bouquet.

^*^

I Give To You
A sprinkling of some twinkling
stars, to wish upon at night.
The morning dew to kiss the day.
To bask in it’s delight.

^*^

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Comments (0) Oct 07 2008