This is an actual job application!
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NAME: Greg Bulmash
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DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
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DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
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EDUCATION: Yes.
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LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
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SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
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MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
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REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
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HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
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PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
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DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
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MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
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DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
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HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
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DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
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WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
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