It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
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At least you’re not being rectally probed by aliens.
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What if, at this very moment, you are living up to your full potential?
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The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, “I think I’ll drink
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whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze ‘em.
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My favorite poem is the one that starts “Thirty days have September” because it actually tells you something.
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Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
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Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
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Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
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We all can’t be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
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I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
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My ambition is to live forever – so far, so good!
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Don’t follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.
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Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
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Don’t talk about yourself so much… we’ll do that when you leave.
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If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
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This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.
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If you can’t say anything nice…come sit by us.
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Know what I’m thinking? No. Neither do I; frightening, isn’t it?
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If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.
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Never say “OOPS!” always say “Ah, Interesting!”
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This isn’t burger king, you can’t have it your way.
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My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
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If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
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