Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes.
Tags: accident, age, aid, anxiety, attorney, barn, bridge, car, country, cow, destination, era, farmer, funny, highway, hilarious, history, humor, jokes, journey, language, laughter, lawyer, license, man, Mathematics, movement, noise, path, period, pig, rabbi, religion, repairs, road, sleep, smiles, sound, surprise, time, tour, tourist, traffic, trick, trip, vehicle, words
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A Rabbi, A Hindu and a Lawyer
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A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the
country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and
came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer
explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to
sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
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The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two
have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a
knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming,
“I can’t sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there.
It’s against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!”
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The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no
religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later,
the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, “There’s a COW
in the barn! I can’t sleep in the same room as a cow!
It’s against my religion!”
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The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he’d go to the barn,
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Mar 07 2012
Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes.
Tags: age, air, arm, arms, aroma, beans, birth, birthday, bridge, car, cemetery, companion, couple, decision, destination, dinner, duty, effect, eggs, era, family, fart, feeling, flowers, food, force, fragrance, friends, funny, gas, ghost, girl, hand, hands, highway, hilarious, history, home, House, humor, husband, job, jokes, journey, labor, language, laughter, legs, love, man, marriage, movement, noise, obituary, odor, partner, party, passion, path, peas, perfume, period, phone, power, prize, promise, repairs, restaurant, road, sacrifice, scent, smell, smiles, sound, spouse, surprise, tablecloth, task, time, travel, trip, vehicle, weight, wife, wind, winner, woman, words, work
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Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them.
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One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to baked beans. He decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up his beloved baked beans. A short time later they were married.
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Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down. He was not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk the rest of the way. He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles to go, and decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching home. Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans. Even as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. He pooted up a hill, and poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer to home, the frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe.
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Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and was seized with a terrible urgency. As he waited just outside his front door to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door. She excitedly exclaimed, “Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise dinner for you.”
She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
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When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg and loudly broke wind. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin
and began to fan the air about him. He just started feeling better when he felt another urge. He again raised one leg and let her rip. It sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging. He fanned until his arms ached. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another powerful
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Feb 27 2012
Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes.
Tags: alcohol, attention, bar, beer, bishop, brandy, champagne, church, decision, devil, drunk, evil, exam, example, eyes, focus, funny, gin, Heaven, hell, hilarious, humor, jokes, language, laughter, legs, liquor, listening, man, minister, noise, others, pastor, perception, pope, preacher, priest, pub, quiz, reverend, rum, satan, scotch, sermon, sleep, smiles, sound, Sunday, surprise, tequila, test, vodka, voice, vote, voter, whiskey, wine, wishes, woman, words
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A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the
Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung
over and tired, he finally nods off.
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The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his
apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon,
the preacher decides to make an example of him.
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He says to his congregation, “All those wishing to have a place
in heaven, please stand.”
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The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
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Then the preacher says even more loudly, “And he who would like
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Feb 23 2012
Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes.
Tags: advice, age, argument, attorney, bank, care, career, check, court, cure, dance, day, doctor, duty, encouragement, era, exam, feeling, feelings, funds, funny, gynecologist, health, hilarious, history, hospital, humor, job, jokes, judge, labor, laughter, law, lawyer, letter, loan, mail, man, medical, medication, medicine, money, office, others, party, period, pharmacist, pharmacy, physician, quiz, remedies, rules, smiles, specialist, surgeon, surprise, task, test, time, tips, woman, work
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Billing
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A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people
describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical
advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,
“What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice
when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a
bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
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Feb 15 2012
Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes, Short Funny Jokes.
Tags: abroad, accident, Africa, age, air, alcohol, America, attorney, awards, bar, beaches, beer, brandy, breakfast, bus, car, champagne, check, cheer, clerk, cold, cop, court, destination, dinner, doctor, dumb, era, family, finger, fingers, fire, food, fool, foreign, friends, friendship, funds, funny, gas, gin, glory, health, hilarious, history, home, honor, hospital, hotel, House, humor, ice, idiot, insurance, jail, jokes, journey, judge, laughter, lawyer, letter, license, liquor, magic, mail, man, Mathematics, memory, money, moron, motel, New York, nurse, officer, passenger, path, patient, patrolman, period, photos, physician, police, pub, restaurant, road, robber, rum scotch, sheriff, short, smiles, snack, snacks, snow, specialist, stupid, surgeon, tequila, thief, ticket, time, tool, tools, traffic, train, travel, treats, trooper, vehicle, vodka, whiskey, wind, wine, winner, winter, woman, youth
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The Darwins are out !!!!
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Yes … it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
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Here is the glorious winner:
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1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
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And now, the honorable mentions:
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2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
finger. The chef’s claim was approved.
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3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
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4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3
days.
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5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
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6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives
you money, is a crime committed?]
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7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
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Feb 06 2012
Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes.
Tags: cemetery, companion, couple, difference, divorce, earth, eyes, funny, ghost, global, globe, hilarious, humor, husband, jail, jokes, laughter, law, license, Lord, marriage, medication, mercy, partner, pharmacist, pharmacy, photos, respect, rules, sleep, smiles, spouse, universe, wife, world
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DIVORCE VS. MURDER
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy,
walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eye
said, ‘I would like to buy some cyanide.’
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The pharmacist asked, ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’
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The lady replied, ‘I need it to poison my husband.’
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The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, ‘Lord have
mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband.
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That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us
in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!’
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The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of
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Dec 06 2011