Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes.
Tags: account, age, army, bank, check, country, election, era, funds, funny, government, hilarious, history, home, House, humor, jokes, laughter, letter, magazine, mail, man, Mathematics, military, money, nation, navy, period, pleasure, president, satisfaction, service, smiles, taxes, time, tool, tools, troops, value, war, woman
Dear Internal Revenue Service:
Enclosed you will please find my 2008 tax return showing that I owe
$3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated
12
November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense)
is
paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat. I
am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6)
hammers
valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total
remittance to $3,429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the “Presidential Election
Fund,”
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Jul 25 2008
Posted: under Funny Poetry.
Tags: account, alcohol, argument, bank, bar, beer, brandy, bus, champagne, check, chic, destination, dinner, drunk, duty, exam, food, fun, funds, funny, funtime, gin, highway, humor, job, journey, labor, laughter, life, lifestyle, lifetime, liquor, man, meal, money, noise, passenger, path, pub, quiz, reading, restaurant, rhythm, road, rum, scotch, smiles, sound, task, tequila, test, ticket, tour, traffic, train, trip, vehicle, village, vodka, whiskey, wine, wishes, work
Guess what, a drunk ate dinner at a trendy restaurant
in the Village and was unable to pay his bill….
Yup, po’ homeboy had to wash dishes in the kitchen
to write it off….
Read it fasssst…..to get the fun and rhythm !!!
Enjoy!
****************************************
~ “Washing Dishes” ~
.
Go Shrek
Look so chic
Washing dishes
Against your wishes
If you can’t
Pay your bill
Wash you must
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Jul 24 2008
Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes.
Tags: account, age, air, attorney, bank, belief, cemetery, check, child, class, college, companion, couple, dad, dog, education, elderly, era, faith, farmer, father, fool, funds, funny, ghost, granny, hilarious, history, home, House, humor, husband, idea, ideas, idiot, jokes, journey, language, laughter, law, lawyer, learning, loan, magazine, Mathematics, money, morning, moron, mother, obituary, parents, partner, period, program, reading, redhead, result, road, rules, seniors, smiles, son, spouse, storm, stupid, success, teacher, teaching, time, travel, trust, tutor, voice, wife, wind, words
A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. “Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!”
“That’s absolutely amazing,” his father says. “How do I get him in that program?”
“Just send him down here with $1,000″ the boy says. “I’ll get him into the course.” So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
“So how’s Ole Blue doing, son,” his father asks.
“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this - they’ve had such good results with this program that they’ve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!”
“READ,” says his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?”
Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.” His father sends the money.
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Jul 17 2008
Posted: under Short Funny Jokes.
Tags: accident, account, age, air, alcohol, anger, art, artist, attendant, attorney, bank, bar, beauty, beer, Bible, birth, birthday, bishop, body, brain, brandy, bridge, car, care, cemetery, champagne, check, child, children, classic, classroom, companion, couple, cure, dad, dance, devil, dinner, doctor, drunk, duty, elderly, era, exam, eyes, father, fire, fish, fishing, flame, flight, fool, funds, funny, ghost, gin, girl, granny, gratitude, grown ups, gynecologist, healing, health, highway, history, home, House, humanity, humor, husband, idiot, jet, job, jokes, King, labor, lake, language, laughter, lawyer, life, lifestyle, lifetime, light, liquor, loan, love, man, marriage, Mathematics, medical, minister, model, money, moron, mother, mother-in-law, music, nun, obituary, ocean, paradise, partner, party, passenger, pastor, patient, perception, period, phone, photos, physician, pilot, plane, pond, pool, pope, prayer, preacher, president, priest, Professor, promise, prostitute, pub, quiz, rain, restaurant, reverend, reward, rivers, road, robber, rum, satan, scotch, sea, seniors, sermon, service, short, singer, sleep, smiles, snack, snacks, son, sound, specialist, spouse, star, stupid, surgeon, task, tea, teacher, teen, teens, tequila, test, thankfulness, thief, time, today, tool, tools, traffic, tramp, travel, tutor, vehicle, vodka, voice, waitress, water, wedding, whiskey, whore, wife, wind, wine, wishes, woman, words, work, youth
Biblical Theme Songs
Noah: “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head”
Adam and Eve: “Strangers in Paradise”
Lazarus: “The Second Time Around”
Esther: “I Feel Pretty”
Job: “I’ve Got a Right to Sing the Blues”
Moses: “The Wanderer”
Jezebel: “The Lady is a Tramp”
Samson: “Hair”Salome: “I Could Have Danced All Night”
Daniel: “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”
Esau: “Born To Be Wild”
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: “Great Balls of Fire!”
The Three Kings: “When You Wish Upon a Star”
Jonah: “Got a Whale of a Tale”
Elijah: “Up, Up, and Away”
Methuselah: “Stayin’ Alive”
Nebuchadnezzar: “Crazy”
——-
Car Accident
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald’s one day,
we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that,
we say a prayer for those who might be hurt,
so I pointed and said to my son, “We should pray.”
From the back seat I heard his earnest request:
“Please, God, don’t let those cars block the entrance to McDonald’s.”
——-
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal
its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow
a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”.
The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him “.
——-
Little Benjamin came running into the kitchen where his mother was working.
“Mom, can I please change my name right now?” he asked.
“But why would you want to do that?” replied his mom.
“Because Dad said he’s going to spank me as sure as my
name’s Benjamin!”
——-
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to
see each child’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she
asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks
like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, “They will in a minute.”
——-
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s
Michael, He’s a doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the
teacher, she’s dead.”
——-
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking. In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”
Nun : Mother Superior told me.
Man : So, have you ever tried it?
Nun : No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor.
Man : Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if you try it and don’t like it, I’ll give up drinking for life.
Nun : Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don’t want people thinking I’m drinking. The man goes up to the bartender and says, “Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.”
The bartender looked at the man and said, “Is that nun in here again?”
——-
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped,
turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,
” explained the Flight Attendant, “and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”
——-
One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush.
He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.
The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.
The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, “Why do you want one of those, son, you’re not handicapped.” The boy replied, “I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.”
——-
Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly,
jovial man, but there was one subject you didn’t dare discuss in
front of him: his height, or rather, his lack of it. He was very short
and apparently sensitive about the subject.
One day he stormed through the kitchen doors and announced
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Jul 13 2008