Net Miles Of Smiles

The Call to Worship is, “Y’all come on in!”

The Bible’s used mostly to create loud noises.

The collection plates are hub caps from a ‘56 Chevy.

The pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering.” Then five guys and two women stand up

The baptismal fountain is a #2 galvanized washtub.

Baptism is referred to as “branding.”

Saltines and Boone Farm wine are used for communion.

The choir is known as the “OK Chorale.”

The choir robes were donated and embroidered with the logo from “Billy Bob’s Barbecue.”

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

People think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

The pastor’s colorful shoes have a visible “8 1/2″ on the back.

You hear long prayers complaining about the weather and beer prices.

Holiday church decorations include Santa and the Easter Bunny.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

Congregation grumbles about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

Finding and returning lost sheep isn’t just a parable.

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ‘em.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because, “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.”

There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

The church bulletin has the NASCAR schedule printed on the back.

The final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now, yah hear?”

The picture of Jesus looks a lot like Elvis!

Comments (0) Oct 07 2008

A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter.

As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant’s head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: “Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby???”

Comments (0) Sep 18 2008

Thank you Barbara for this, it is great………

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At the University of Chicago Divinity School each year they have what is
called “Baptist Day.” On this day each one is to bring a lunch to be eaten outdoors in a grassy picnic area. Every “Baptist Day” the school would invite one of the greatest minds to lecture in the theological education center.

One year they invited Dr. Paul Tillich. Dr.Tillich spoke for two and one-half hours proving that the resurrection of Jesus was false. He quoted scholar after scholar and book after book. He concluded that since there was no such thing as the historical resurrection the religious tradition of the church was groundless, emotional mumbo-jumbo, because it was based on a relationship with a risen Jesus, who, in fact never rose from the dead in any literal sense. He then asked if there were any questions.

After about 30 seconds, an old, dark skinned preacher with a head of short-cropped, woolly white hair stood up in the back of the auditorium. “Docta Tillich, I got one question,” he said as all eyes turned toward him.

He reached into his sack lunch and pulled out an apple and began eating it. “Docta Tillich.. CRUNCH, MUNCH “My question is a simple question,… CRUNCH, MUNCH… “Now, I ain’t never read them books you read..CRUNCH, MUNCH..” and I can’t recite the Scriptures in the original Greek…CRUNCH, MUNCH …” I don’t know nothin’ about Niebuhr and Heidegger…CRUNCH, MUNCH…

He finished the apple. “All I wanna know is: This apple I just ate, . . . . was it bitter or sweet?

Dr Tillich paused for a moment and answered in exemplary scholarly fashion: “I cannot

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Comments (0) Sep 15 2008