Posted: under "A Slice Of Life", Funny and Hilarious Jokes, Nasty and Rude Jokes.
Tags: age, belief, birthday, body, breakfast, bus, car, channel, cheer, child, church, coffee, courage, day, diamonds, diet, dinner, duty, encouragement, era, exercise, experience, faith, fool, funny, gift, global, globe, gratitude, gym, health, hilarious, history, humanity, humor, instruction, instructions, job, jokes, journey, labor, language, laughter, leg, legs, life, listening, message, morning, moron, mother, path, present, road, sandwich, Saturday, service, smiles, snack, snacks, sound, sport, strength, stupid, sugar, Sunday, surprise, task, tea, teacher, teeth, television, thankfulness, time, today, traffic, travel, treats, trip, truck, universe, vampire, vehicle, voice, weight, woman, words, work, world
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A WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM
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If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary,
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For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 40 something years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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I started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair,dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
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TUESDAY:
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I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It’s a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
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The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
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Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl I couldn’t help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was
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Nov 03 2011
Posted: under Short Funny Jokes.
Tags: accident, alcohol, attorney, bar, beer, bliss, bus, car, champagne, chance, check, cold, companion, couple, court, day, diet, drunk, eyes, family, funny, gin, hands, happiness, health, hilarious, home, House, humor, husband, ice, jokes, journey, joy, judge, language, laughter, lawyer, licence, license, liquor, man, Mathematics, money, morning, New York, partner, path, pub, rain, recipe, road, rum, scotch, season, short, smiles, snow, spouse, tequila, time, traffic, travel, truck, vehicle, vodka, weather, whiskey, wife, wine, winter, woman, words
Add a teaspoon of it
To your diet each day
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My sister said its so cold where she is
that she saw a lawyer with his hands
in his own pockets……..brrrrrrr!
><><
Its been said that 95% of drivers skidding on snow slickened roads say,
”Oh my God”. The other 5% are from Buffalo, NY and say,
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Oct 29 2011
Posted: under Short Funny Jokes.
Tags: anger, bus, car, children, fun, funny, funtime, hilarious, humor, jokes, journey, laughter, license, man, money, road, short, sign, smiles, travel, trip, truck, vehicle, woman
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A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
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“Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?” yelled an irate man.
Posted: under Jamaican Jokes.
Tags: bus, child, class, dialect, funny, humor, Jamaica, Jamaican, jokes, language, laughter, patois, school, smiles, teacher, vehicle, vernacular, words
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A Jamaican teacher asked Leroy to describe the word , “Deceitful”!
Leroy said, ”It’s when there’s no more seats pon de bus!”
May 05 2011
Posted: under "A Slice Of Life", "LOVE is LOVELY".
Tags: age, aim, attention, beauty, bliss, bus, car, care, charity, check, christmas, church, colors, companion, contribution, couple, donation, elderly, fashion, gift, goal, happiness, home, House, husband, inspiration, jail, job, journey, joy, life, love, man, minister, miracle, money, music, neighborhood, New York, opportunities, partner, pastor, preacher, present, priest, rain, road, seniors, sermon, service, snow, spirit, spouse, style, tablecloth, task, time, traffic, travel, vehicle, water, wife, woman, work
True Story:
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The brand new pastor and his wife, newly assigned in suburban Brooklyn, arrived in early October excited about their opportunities. When they saw their church, it was very run down and needed much work. They set a goal to have everything done in time to have their first service on Christmas Eve. They worked hard, repairing pews, plastering walls, painting, etc, and on December 18 were ahead of schedule and just about finished.
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On December 19 a terrible tempest - a driving rainstorm hit the area and lasted for two days.
On the 21st, the pastor went over to the church. His heart sank when he saw that the roof had leaked, causing a large area of plaster about 20 feet by 8 feet to fall off the front wall of the sanctuary just behind the pulpit, beginning about head high. The pastor cleaned up the mess on the floor, and not knowing what else to do but postpone the Christmas Eve service, headed home. On the way he noticed that a local business was having a flea market type sale for charity so he stopped in. One of the items was a beautiful, handmade, ivory colour, crocheted tablecloth with
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Apr 13 2011
Posted: under "Jamaica Labrish Korner", Jamaican Jokes.
Tags: actor, actress, airport, alcohol, America, beauty, bliss, Britain, bus, car, church, companion, contest, contestant, couple, culture, custom, dance, dialect, doctor, drugs, earth, engagement, era, fashion, festival, flight, food, fun, funny, funtime, game, gift, graduation, growth, happiness, heritage, hilarious, history, holiday, Hollywood, home, hospital, House, humor, husband, Jamaica, Jamaican, job, jokes, jonkanoo, journey, joy, language, laughter, license, life, London, magazine, marriage, medication, medicine, memories, minister, money, music, nurse, office, partner, pastor, path, patois, pharmacist, pharmacy, physician, plane, preacher, present, priest, prize, queen, Queen Elizabeth, reggae, road, school, sermon, smiles, sport, spouse, style, summer, Sunday, task, television, time, traffic, travel, universe, vehicle, vernacular, West Indian, wife, words, work, world, youth
Miss Jamaica, Evelyn Andrade, Marries Dancing Partner Tony Verity
– Jet Magazine May 26, 1955
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Those who remember these shouldn’t still be working!!!!
— As a Jamaican you know you are getting old if:
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You had an exercise book with Queen Elizabeth and her husband on it
(instead of a ring binder).
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You used to listen to Redifussion.
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You wore Bata crepe to school, and bought Asham at the gate..
(Extra credit if you know what Asham was made of)
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You remember that the Lou and Ranny show used to come on at 7:00 PM
On a Sunday.
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You know what the initials T. A. D. P. Stand for.
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You know who Tony Verity was.
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You can name more than two of the characters in a Jonkanoo band.
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You know what boxing title Bunny Grant held.