Posted: under Jamaican Jokes.
Tags: accident, airline, attendant, bus, captain, conductor, cop, dialect, experience, flight, funny, hilarious, humor, Jamaican, jokes, journey, Kingston, language, laughter, man, money, officer, passenger, patois, patrolman, plane, police, service, sheriff, skill, smiles, traffic, trooper, vehicle, vernacular, woman, words
Ever wonder what it would be like if Jamaican buses were set up like airlines, with the flight attendant and captain giving safety instructions?
Bus driver speaking on the intercom: Welcome to Bus numba 40 running from Papine to Down Town Kingston. Please direct yuh attention to di ConDucta who will instruc’ yuh on our safety and model features.
ConDucta: Hail up massive! We want yuh fi know dat yuh a ride pon di safes’ bus dat run pon di Papine to Downtown route. The moggle of our bus is a 1980 Encava, own and operate by Rough Rider transports. Dis moggle can survive any adversities an’
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Sep 21 2008
Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes.
Tags: airline, America, anger, announcement, anxiety, attendant, attention, beaches, blessings, breakfast, captain, cemetery, check, class, coffee, contribution, dad, depression, dialect, dinner, duppy, earth, experience, fashion, father, flight, food, forgiveness, French, funds, funny, ghost, gift, global, globe, God, grace, hilarious, holiness, honesty, humor, Jesus, jokes, journey, lake, land, language, laughter, listening, Lord, map, maps, Mathematics, meal, money, music, ocean, passenger, passengers, path, patois, phone, pilot, plane, pond, pool, prayer, present, rivers, road, sea, singer, smiles, snack, snacks, stress, style, system, tool, tools, tour, tourist, travel, trip, universe, veggie, veggies, vernacular, voice, water, waterfalls, words
WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIRLINES IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA!
ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORDERN MITCHIGEN, NORT & SOUT DAKOTA
If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, the no-frills airline. You’re all in da same boat on Lutran Air, here flyin is a upliftin experience:
- Dair is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.
- Meals are potluck. Rows 1 tru 6, bring rolls; 7 tru 15, bring a salad; 16 tru 21, a hot dish, and 22-30, a dessert.
- Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.
- Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.
- All fares are by free will offering, and da plane will not land til da budget is met.
- Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air.
Okay den, listen up; I’m only gonna say dis vonce: In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn’t bodder with doze liddle masks on da rubber tu bes–you’re gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes.
Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we’re gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I’d say forget it.
Start saying da Lord’s Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say ‘trespass against us,’ which isn’t right, but what can you do?
Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane’s navigation system, which is by da pants all da way. No, it’s because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant you to use a cell phone, He wudda put your mout on da side of your head.
We start lunch right about noon and it’s buffet style wit da coffeepot up front. Den we’ll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pockets in front of you. Don’t take yours wit you when you go or I am gonna be real upset and I am NOT kiddin!
Right now I’ll say Grace: Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost, May we land in Dulut or pretty close.
Sep 18 2008
Posted: under Jamaican Jokes.
Tags: accident, attendant, Canada, Canadian, captain, cemetery, Englishman, flight, funny, ghost, humor, Jamaican, jokes, language, laughter, London, man, pilot, plane, smiles, thought, West Indian, woman, words
A Jamaican, an Englishman, and a Canadian all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker.
The supreme deity turned to the Englishman and asked, tell what is important about yourself. The Englishman responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth’s ecological system was most important. God looked at the Englishman and said, ” I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand”.
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Sep 15 2008
Posted: under Jamaican Jokes.
Tags: age, bishop, captain, cemetery, child, dialect, duppy, elderly, era, flight, fool, funny, ghost, girl, hilarious, history, humor, idiot, Jamaica, Jamaican, jokes, Kingston, language, laughter, leader, leather, life, minister, Montego Bay, moron, music, parachute, party, passenger, pastor, patois, performer, period, pilot, plane, pope, preacher, priest, prime minister, reverend, seniors, smiles, stupid, team, television, time, tool, tools, vernacular, words
Once upon a time there was a small passenger plane that experienced
some difficulty while flying from Montego Bay to Kingston and was about
to crash.There were 5 passengers on board but alas, only 4 parachutes!!!
The 1st passenger says, “I’m Francois St. Juste, the best disc jockey in
Jamaica and the FAME FM team needs me, so I can’t afford to die.” He takes
the 1st pack and jumps from the plane.
The 2nd passenger, Portia Simpson-Miller says, “I am the new leader of the
People’s National Party and a first female Prime Minister, I must live!!”
So she takes the 2nd pack and jumps out of the plane.
The 3rd passenger, Percival Patterson, says “I’m the past Prime Minister
of Jamaica. I was the cleverest Prime Minister in Jamaica’s history, so the
Jamaican people won’t want me to die.” So he grabs the pack next to him and
jumps out of the plane.
The 4th passenger, Bishop Herro Blair says to the 5th passenger a 10 year old
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Sep 13 2008
Posted: under Short Funny Jokes.
Tags: age, alcohol, attendant, bar, beer, birthday, captain, champagne, Chinese, church, coffee, donkey, drunk, elderly, film, flight, fool, funny, gin, government, hospital, humor, idiot, job, jokes, laughter, liquor, man, mayor, minister, money, movie, New York, Olympics, parson, party, pastor, pilot, plane, politics, pope, preacher, president, priest, reverend, rum, scotch, seniors, sermon, service, shampoo, short, smiles, sports, tequila, ticket, vodka, whiskey, wine, woman, work
Palin Pick
John McCain has picked Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. We’re learning more and more about Governor Palin.
Apparently her daughter’s name is Juno.
- Jay Leno
+++++
Second Fattest
According to a new study, Mexico is now the second fattest nation on Earth, right behind the United States.
That’s because the only people left in Mexico are the ones too fat to actually run across the border.
- Jay Leno
+++++
Liquid Vote
According to CNN News, John McCain would win if only beer drinkers voted. A Democrat, either Hillary or Barack, would win if only wine drinkers voted.
Here’s the interesting part: If we all got drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot.
- Jay Leno
+++++
Chinese Oil
The latest word is that China is going to go into the oil business. We could one day get our gasoline from China.
Good luck trying to find unleaded.
- Jay Leno
+++++
Gore Birthday
Happy birthday to Al Gore. God bless him. He’s 60 years old.
He just couldn’t enjoy his party, though. He was so obsessed with how quickly the ice cream was melting.
- Jay Leno
+++++
Suicide Donkeys
It seems that terrorists are using suicide donkeys to carry out missions. They pack them with explosives and then detonate them.
Let me tell you something: If you use a donkey for a suicide mission, you can pretty much kiss your ass goodbye.
- Jay Leno
+++++
Decathlon
President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. I don’t think he really understands the Olympics that well.
They asked him if he liked the decathlon, and he said, no, he preferred regular coffee.
- Jay Leno
+++++
Pricey Gas
Gas is getting quite expensive.
In LA now if you call 911 they ask you if you can meet the ambulance halfway.
- Jay Leno
+++++
Adultery Sermon
On Sunday, Hillary Clinton attended church services in Bowling Green. It just so happened that the minister gave a 60 minute sermon on adultery.
Here is the really embarrassing part: Right after the minister finished, Bill stood up and gave a 20 minute rebuttal.
- Jay Leno
+++++
American Gladiators
The show “American Gladiators” is a big hit on NBC.
This show is for people who like professional wrestling but are unable to follow the plot.
- Jay Leno
+++++
Buy Happiness
According to a study by the University of British Columbia and Harvard, money can buy happiness but only if you spend the money on someone else.
To which former Governor Eliot Spitzer said, “See!”
- Jay Leno
+++++
Meeting Record
Oil company executives met with Congress yesterday.
Oil executives talking to politicians. I believe they set a record for the most number of lies ever told in one room.
- Jay Leno
+++++
Virtual Fence
The government has pulled the plug on the virtual fence it was going to build along the U.S. - Mexican border.
Why announce that? Why not just say it’s there. At least it will scare off the really stupid people.
- Jay Leno
+++++
Pregnant Man?
A man in Oregon claims he’s pregnant.
And you thought you had a wild spring break.
- Jay Leno
+++++
Dr. Seuss Movie
The big movie that is opening this weekend is the Dr. Seuss film, “Horton Hears a Who.”
Don’t confuse it with the new film about the governor of New York, “Eliot Hires a Ho.”
- Jay Leno
+++++
Poverty Rate
According to a new report, New Jersey has the lowest poverty rate of any state.
You know what that means? Even poor people don’t want to live in New Jersey.
- Jay Leno
+++++
Alchohol Warning
Delegates at the Democratic Convention received three separate warnings not to drink too much, because alcohol has a much stronger effect in higher altitudes.
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Sep 03 2008
Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes.
Tags: captain, car, celebrity, cemetery, check, computer, doctor, fashion, funds, funny, ghost, golf, healing, hilarious, home, House, humor, internet, jokes, lake, land, laughter, man, minister, money, need, needs, ocean, online, pastor, pearls, physician, pond, pool, pope, preacher, priest, reverend, rivers, sea, service, smiles, specialist, stream, style, suit, surgeon, water
Bill Gates died and went to Heaven.
Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven.
One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven’s many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.
“That is a nice suit, my friend,” said Gates. “Where did you get it?”
“Actually,” the man replied, “I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I’ve been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces.”
“Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?” asked Gates.
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Aug 27 2008