Posted: under "A Slice Of Life", Funny and Hilarious Jokes, Nasty and Rude Jokes.
Tags: age, belief, birthday, body, breakfast, bus, car, channel, cheer, child, church, coffee, courage, day, diamonds, diet, dinner, duty, encouragement, era, exercise, experience, faith, fool, funny, gift, global, globe, gratitude, gym, health, hilarious, history, humanity, humor, instruction, instructions, job, jokes, journey, labor, language, laughter, leg, legs, life, listening, message, morning, moron, mother, path, present, road, sandwich, Saturday, service, smiles, snack, snacks, sound, sport, strength, stupid, sugar, Sunday, surprise, task, tea, teacher, teeth, television, thankfulness, time, today, traffic, travel, treats, trip, truck, universe, vampire, vehicle, voice, weight, woman, words, work, world
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A WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM
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If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary,
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For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 40 something years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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I started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair,dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
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TUESDAY:
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I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It’s a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
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The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
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Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl I couldn’t help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was
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Nov 03 2011
Posted: under "DID YOU KNOW", Advice & Tips.
Tags: advice, aroma, baby, bliss, body, changes, coffee, day, depression, doctor, drugs, experience, food, guide, happiness, health, herbs, hospital, instruction, job, joy, license, man, medication, medicine, mind, money, New York, New York City, nurse, pharmacist, pharmacy, physician, recipe, relaxation, relief, remedies, research, smiles, stress, task, therapy, tips, treatment, woman, work
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Bath by Bettijo Relief
Organic Stick
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Head hurts? Try one of these doctor-approved pain relievers.
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Relaxation Techniques
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Best for: Soothing stress before a headache starts.
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Apr 12 2011
Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes.
Tags: April Fool's Day, boss, coffee, computer, employee, fool, fun, funny, funtime, hilarious, humor, idiot, internet, job, jokes, laughter, man, manager, online, pranks, restaurant, smiles, task, television, woman, work
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- Ring your friend before he / she goes to work and say ” I’m so sorry to hear you got fired ! ” – Act surprised they didn’t know yet.
- Wet a tissue with milk and run around holding the tissue to your eye pretending you stuck your pen in your eye, when somebody comes close, squeeze the tissue to make the Milk spurt out all over the place.
- Place Cling-film over the toilet seat – an old prank but a good one !
- Ring your friend and pretend to be from the local GPs office. Tell them they might have Newcastles Disease ( a chicken disease – don’t tell them that ).
- Sign somebody up to an embarrasing email newsletter.
- Go around the office and tell random people that a particular person (e.g. your friend) wanted them to drop over at 11am – they will be surprised when 50 people drop around to their cubicle at once.
- Start a rumour that your company is being taken over and loads of staff will be made redundant. Watch the onset of panic.
- Put loads of Pencil (scribble and really build up the graphite) on a piece of paper and then rub around the eye and upper jaw. Then go around the office and say you were hit beacuse you didn’t get the report in on time.
- Advertise your bosses job in the local newspsper – (Great if you want to get fired !).
- Get a universal remote control and turn the volume up on all the TVs in your local TV shop, while standing nearby. Try be covert so you can keep doing it.
- If you are a manager or have employees under you, send people looking for made up items such as the dehydrated water, the hydraulic cement humidifier, the double sided transperencies, a fallopian tube, the blunt knife, a glass hammer.
- If you work in a restaurant, tell all employees that due to new fiar trade regulations, each serving of fries or chips must contain exactly 257 pieces.
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Apr 01 2010
Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes.
Tags: coffee, diner, funny, hilarious, jokes, restaurant, waitress
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Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it
had seen better days. As they slid into a booth, Bill
wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin
and wiped some moisture from the table.
The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some
menus.
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“No thanks,” said Doug. “I’ll just have a cup of black
coffee.”
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“I’ll have black coffee, too,” Bill said. “And please
Posted: under "A Slice Of Life", "DID YOU KNOW", Advice & Tips, Inspirationals.
Tags: activity, advice, Bible, check, coffee, day, duty, earth, effectiveness, employee, employer, family, friends, global, globe, God, growth, inspiration, integrity, Jesus, job, learning, life, listening, man, meditation, money, others, prayer, relaxation, rest, scripture, task, time, tips, today, tool, tools, universe, voice, woman, work, world, youth
TO HEAR GOD’S VOICE TURN DOWN THE WORLD’S VOLUME.
A young man approached the foreman of a logging crew and asked for a job.
“That depends,” replied the foreman. “Let’s see you fell this tree.” The young man stepped forward and skillfully felled a great tree. Impressed, the foreman exclaimed, “You can start Monday.”
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday rolled by. Thursday afternoon the foreman approached the young man and said, “You can pick up your paycheck on the way out today.”
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Jul 09 2009
Posted: under "A Slice Of Life", "Life is precious handle with PRAYER!", Inspirationals.
Tags: activity, axe, boss, change, check, Christ, coffee, day, duty, employee, employer, family, friends, friendship, God, growth, inspiration, integrity, Jesus, job, language, life, listening, Lord, man, manager, meditation, money, others, prayer, reading, Savior, scripture, supervisor, task, time, today, tool, tools, voice, volume, woman, words, work, world, youth
A young man approached the foreman of a logging crew and asked for a job.
..
“That depends,” replied the foreman. “Let’s see you fell this tree.” The young man stepped forward and skillfully felled a great tree. Impressed, the foreman exclaimed, “You can start Monday.”
..
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday rolled by. Thursday afternoon the foreman approached the young man and said, “You can pick up your paycheck on the way out today.”
..
Read More
Apr 10 2009