Posted: under "A Slice Of Life", Funny and Hilarious Jokes, Nasty and Rude Jokes.
Tags: age, belief, birthday, body, breakfast, bus, car, channel, cheer, child, church, coffee, courage, day, diamonds, diet, dinner, duty, encouragement, era, exercise, experience, faith, fool, funny, gift, global, globe, gratitude, gym, health, hilarious, history, humanity, humor, instruction, instructions, job, jokes, journey, labor, language, laughter, leg, legs, life, listening, message, morning, moron, mother, path, present, road, sandwich, Saturday, service, smiles, snack, snacks, sound, sport, strength, stupid, sugar, Sunday, surprise, task, tea, teacher, teeth, television, thankfulness, time, today, traffic, travel, treats, trip, truck, universe, vampire, vehicle, voice, weight, woman, words, work, world
.
A WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM
.
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
.
Dear Diary,
.
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 40 something years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
.
MONDAY:
.
I started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair,dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
.
TUESDAY:
.
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It’s a whole new life for me.
.
WEDNESDAY:
.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
.
THURSDAY:
.
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl I couldn’t help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was
Read More
Nov 03 2011
Posted: under Inspirationals.
Tags: aid, anger, author, boy, care, child, Christ, concern, dad, duty, encouragement, example, father, father-in-law, fence, friends, friendship, grand-dad, guidance, guide, heart, home, House, inspiration, Jesus, job, King, labor, language, listening, Lord, love, man, nail, nails, parent, praise, praises, Redeemer, role model, Savior, sheep, shepherd, smiles, son, success, task, tool, tools, words, work, youth
.
THE FENCE
.
There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
.
Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his
Read More
Jul 10 2011
Posted: under "A Scripture A Day Keeps The Devil Away", Advice & Tips, Inspirationals.
Tags: advice, bliss, Christ, encouragement, eyes, faith, fashion, God, happiness, heart, inspiration, instruction, Jesus, joy, learning, life, listening, Lord, man, mind, opportunity, peace, prayer, psalm, scripture, season, secret, secrets, smiles, soul, spirit, strength, style, Thanksgiving, tips, vision, woman
.
The 7-Ups (Encourage Yourself in the Lord)
.
1. Wake Up
Decide to have a good day.
..
“This is the day the LORD has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it.” (Psalms 118:24)
.
2. Dress Up
The best way to dress up is to put on a smile. A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
..
“…For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)
.
3. Shut Up
Say nice things and learn to listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth so He must have meant for us to do twice as much listening as talking.
..
“He who guards his mouth preserves his life, But he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction.” (Proverbs 13:3)
“He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets; Therefore do not associate with one who flatters with his lips.” (Proverbs 20:19)
“Listen to counsel and receive instruction, That you may be wise in your latter days.” (Proverbs 19:20)
.
4. Stand Up
For what you believe in. Stand for something or you will fall for anything. And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.
..
“Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, especially to those who are of the household of faith.” (Galatians 6:9-10)
.
5. Look Up
To the Lord
..
Read More
Mar 01 2011
Posted: under "A Slice Of Life", Inspirationals.
Tags: account, achievements, age, aim, asset, awards, bank, behavior, birth, birthday, bliss, cemetery, character, check, children, education, emotion, encouragement, era, experience, faith, friends, funds, funeral, ghost, goal, God, happiness, heart, history, hope, inspiration, integrity, investment, joy, knowledge, life, lifestyle, lifetime, love, man, mind, money, morals, obituary, others, peace, period, power, prayer, resource, respect, reward, smiles, soul, spirit, time, value, values, wealth, woman, word, words
.
Our Birth is our Opening Balance!
Our Death is our Closing Balance!
Our Prejudiced Views are our Liabilities.
Our Creative Ideas are our Assets.
Heart is our Current Asset.
Soul is our Fixed Asset.
Brain is our Fixed Deposit.
Thinking is our Current Account.
Achievements are our Capital.
Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade.
Friends are our General Reserves.
Values & Behaviour are our Goodwill.
Love is our Dividend..
Children are our Bonus Issues..
Education is Brands / Patents.
Knowledge is our Investment.
Experience is our Premium Account.
The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately.
The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award.
..
Some very Good and Very bad things
.
The most destructive habit……………………………..Worry
The greatest Joy……………………………………………..Giving
..
Read More
Jul 06 2010
Posted: under "When You're Down to Nothing God's UP to Something", "YUMMY FOOD FOR THOUGHT", Advice & Tips.
Tags: advice, blessings, burden, cross, encouragement, exam, food, inspiration, life, load, smiles, storm, struggles, success, test, thought, tips, weight
NEVER GIVE UP…. !
.
.
“A SETBACK
IS A SETUP
FOR A
COMEBACK.”
– WILLIE JOLLEY
May 12 2010
Posted: under "LOVE is LOVELY", Inspirationals.
Tags: achievement, belief, blessings, care, character, child, choices, classroom, confidence, difference, education, encouragement, focus, freedom, goal, happiness, heart, history, honor, humor, image, imagination, influence, job, joy, kindness, knowledge, laughter, learning, life, link, love, message, motivation, movie, music, pride, respect, responsibility, school, smiles, soul, spirit, strength, student, teacher, teaching, value, video, vision, winner, work, world
.
This week is Teacher Appreciation Week - a time to honor teachers who have made a difference in the world.
..
Here’s a special message we would like to share with you from Simple Truths founder, Mac Anderson:
..
I grew up in Trenton, Tennessee, a small town of 5,000 people. I have wonderful memories of those first 18 years and the teachers who helped shape the person I am today.
..
Fred Culp was my history teacher in high school. To this day, he is still the funniest person I’ve ever met. In addition to loving his history class, he taught me that a sense of humor, especially laughing at yourself, can be one of life’s greatest blessings.
..
If you’re a teacher, or if, like me, your life was greatly influenced by a teacher, you’re going to love this movie! The beautiful poem,
Read More
May 02 2010