Net Miles Of Smiles

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Defense Attorney:

Will you please state your age?

 

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Little old lady:

I am 94 years old.

 

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Defense Attorney:

Will you please tell us in your own words,

what happened on the night of April 1st?

 

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Little old lady:

There I was, sitting on my porch on a warm spring evening

when a young man comes creeping up

and sat down next to me.

 

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Defense Attorney:

Did you know him?

 

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Little old lady:

No, but he was friendly.

 

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Defense Attorney:

What happened after he sat down?

 

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Little old lady:

He rubbed my thigh.

 

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Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him?

 

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Little old lady:

No.

 

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Defense Attorney:

Why not?

 

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Little old lady:

It felt good.

No one had touched me since my Albert died.

 

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Defense Attorney:

What happened next?

 

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Little old lady:

He began to rub my breasts.

 

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Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him then?

 

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Little old lady:

No.

 

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Defense Attorney:

Why not?

 

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Little old lady:

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Comments (0) Apr 15 2012

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Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them.

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One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to baked beans. He decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up his beloved baked beans. A short time later they were married.

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Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down. He was not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk the rest of the way. He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles to go, and decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching home. Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans. Even as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. He pooted up a hill, and poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer to home, the frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe.

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Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and was seized with a terrible urgency. As he waited just outside his front door to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door. She excitedly exclaimed, “Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise dinner for you.”

She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

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When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg and loudly broke wind. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin

and began to fan the air about him. He just started feeling better when he felt another urge. He again raised one leg and let her rip. It sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging. He fanned until his arms ached. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another powerful

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Comments (0) Feb 27 2012

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Writer Gary Jennings said this: “Love and time, those are the only
two things in all the world and all of life, that cannot be bought,
but only spent.”

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I love that. And HOW I spend my love and time is what it is all
about.

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My work and interests require me to spend probably an inordinate
amount of time in front of my computer. At least according to my
wife Bev.

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She and I were talking one day about death and funerals and what to
do with each other’s remains. I asked. “What will you do with my
body? Burial? Cremation?”

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She answered, “I think I’ll just have you stuffed and propped up in
your chair by the computer. That way when I walk through the room I
won’t even notice that you’re gone.”

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I got the point - too much computer time. And how I spend my time
and my love is all important.

. The question I ask myself is this: “Do I generously and freely give
love and time away - and especially to those closest to me?”

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Charles Francis Adams was the United States ambassador to Great
Britain during the Lincoln administration. He had the habit of
keeping a daily diary. He also taught his son Brooks the value of
journaling his activities in a diary.

 . One memorable day, eight-year-old Brooks recorded, “Went fishing
with my father, the most glorious day of my life.” It must have been
a glorious day, for the next forty years Brooks repeatedly mentioned
it in his diary. It became a life-long memory.

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His father also wrote about the fishing trip. His own diary on that Read More

Comments (0) Dec 31 2010