Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes.
Tags: age, air, arm, arms, aroma, beans, birth, birthday, bridge, car, cemetery, companion, couple, decision, destination, dinner, duty, effect, eggs, era, family, fart, feeling, flowers, food, force, fragrance, friends, funny, gas, ghost, girl, hand, hands, highway, hilarious, history, home, House, humor, husband, job, jokes, journey, labor, language, laughter, legs, love, man, marriage, movement, noise, obituary, odor, partner, party, passion, path, peas, perfume, period, phone, power, prize, promise, repairs, restaurant, road, sacrifice, scent, smell, smiles, sound, spouse, surprise, tablecloth, task, time, travel, trip, vehicle, weight, wife, wind, winner, woman, words, work
<><><><><><><><><><><><>
….
Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them.
.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to baked beans. He decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up his beloved baked beans. A short time later they were married.
.
Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down. He was not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk the rest of the way. He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles to go, and decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching home. Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans. Even as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. He pooted up a hill, and poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer to home, the frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe.
.
Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and was seized with a terrible urgency. As he waited just outside his front door to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door. She excitedly exclaimed, “Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise dinner for you.”
She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
.
When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg and loudly broke wind. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin
and began to fan the air about him. He just started feeling better when he felt another urge. He again raised one leg and let her rip. It sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging. He fanned until his arms ached. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another powerful
Read More
Feb 27 2012
Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes, Short Funny Jokes.
Tags: abroad, accident, Africa, age, air, alcohol, America, attorney, awards, bar, beaches, beer, brandy, breakfast, bus, car, champagne, check, cheer, clerk, cold, cop, court, destination, dinner, doctor, dumb, era, family, finger, fingers, fire, food, fool, foreign, friends, friendship, funds, funny, gas, gin, glory, health, hilarious, history, home, honor, hospital, hotel, House, humor, ice, idiot, insurance, jail, jokes, journey, judge, laughter, lawyer, letter, license, liquor, magic, mail, man, Mathematics, memory, money, moron, motel, New York, nurse, officer, passenger, path, patient, patrolman, period, photos, physician, police, pub, restaurant, road, robber, rum scotch, sheriff, short, smiles, snack, snacks, snow, specialist, stupid, surgeon, tequila, thief, ticket, time, tool, tools, traffic, train, travel, treats, trooper, vehicle, vodka, whiskey, wind, wine, winner, winter, woman, youth
.
The Darwins are out !!!!
.
Yes … it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
.
Here is the glorious winner:
.
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
.
And now, the honorable mentions:
.
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
finger. The chef’s claim was approved.
.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3
days.
.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives
you money, is a crime committed?]
.
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
Read More
Feb 06 2012
Posted: under "DID YOU KNOW".
Tags: age, aroma, beans, beauty, bird, bliss, body, boobs, bowl, brandy, breakfast, breasts, calories, carrot, carrots, cheese, chicken, classic, cold, color, colors, comfort, diet, dinner, direction, directions, duty, eggs, era, exercise, fat, fats, fire, food, foods, fragrance, hand, hands, happiness, health, home, House, ice, ingredient, ingredients, job, joy, labor, meal, meat, milk, nutrition, odor, oil, onion, pasta, peas, pepper, period, plant, plants, recipe, restaurant, sacrifice, sandwich, sauce, scent, season, seasoning, service, smiles, snack, snacks, snow, stream, sugar, tablecloth, task, taste, thyme, time, touch, turkey, vegetable, vegetables, veggie, veggies, water, wine, work, yogurt
Classic Comfort Foods Made Healthy
.
Here are blue plate specials with nutritious twists―so you can enjoy these beautiful dishes even more, without sacrificing one ounce of good taste.
.
Beef Stroganoff
.
Beef Stroganoff With Yogurt and Dill
.
Serves 4| Hands-On Time: 25m | Total Time: 25m
.
Ingredients
12 ounces multigrain noodles
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 pound sirloin steak, thinly sliced kosher salt and pepper
1 pound button mushrooms, sliced
4 shallots, sliced
1/2 cup dry white wine
1/4 cup nonfat Greek yogurt
1/4 cup chopped fresh dill
.
- Calories 535 Calories From Fat 22%
.
Directions
Cook the noodles according to the package directions. Meanwhile, heat 1 tablespoon of the oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Season the steak with ¼ teaspoon each salt and pepper. In 2 batches, cook the steak until browned, about 1 minute per side. Transfer to a plate. Return the skillet to medium heat and add the remaining oil. Add the mushrooms and shallots; cook, stirring occasionally, until tender, 5 to 6 minutes. Add the wine and simmer until the liquid has reduced by half, 2 to 3 minutes. Return the beef and accumulated juices to the skillet and cook until
Read More
Jan 12 2012
Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes.
Tags: dinner, dog, funny, humor, jokes, laughter, link, restaurant, smiles, video, waiter, waitress
.
Two Dogs in a Restaurant
Thought you might like this…too funny!
.
ENJOY….
.
Read More
May 19 2011
Posted: under "LOVE is LOVELY".
Tags: beauty, blessings, bliss, champagne, concert, diamonds, dinner, embrace, family, fashion, food, gift, happiness, hugs, joy, kindness, kisses, life, love, mother, Mother's Day, movie, party, pearls, restaurant, smiles, style, wine, woman
~*~*~
~*~*~
~*~*~
Read More
May 09 2010
Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes.
Tags: April Fool's Day, boss, coffee, computer, employee, fool, fun, funny, funtime, hilarious, humor, idiot, internet, job, jokes, laughter, man, manager, online, pranks, restaurant, smiles, task, television, woman, work
.
- Ring your friend before he / she goes to work and say ” I’m so sorry to hear you got fired ! ” – Act surprised they didn’t know yet.
- Wet a tissue with milk and run around holding the tissue to your eye pretending you stuck your pen in your eye, when somebody comes close, squeeze the tissue to make the Milk spurt out all over the place.
- Place Cling-film over the toilet seat – an old prank but a good one !
- Ring your friend and pretend to be from the local GPs office. Tell them they might have Newcastles Disease ( a chicken disease – don’t tell them that ).
- Sign somebody up to an embarrasing email newsletter.
- Go around the office and tell random people that a particular person (e.g. your friend) wanted them to drop over at 11am – they will be surprised when 50 people drop around to their cubicle at once.
- Start a rumour that your company is being taken over and loads of staff will be made redundant. Watch the onset of panic.
- Put loads of Pencil (scribble and really build up the graphite) on a piece of paper and then rub around the eye and upper jaw. Then go around the office and say you were hit beacuse you didn’t get the report in on time.
- Advertise your bosses job in the local newspsper – (Great if you want to get fired !).
- Get a universal remote control and turn the volume up on all the TVs in your local TV shop, while standing nearby. Try be covert so you can keep doing it.
- If you are a manager or have employees under you, send people looking for made up items such as the dehydrated water, the hydraulic cement humidifier, the double sided transperencies, a fallopian tube, the blunt knife, a glass hammer.
- If you work in a restaurant, tell all employees that due to new fiar trade regulations, each serving of fries or chips must contain exactly 257 pieces.
- Read More
Apr 01 2010