Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes.
Tags: accident, cold, fish, fishing, funny, golf, hilarious, humor, ice, jokes, language, laughter, nut, nuts, passenger, penis, quotes, shampoo, smiles, snow, thought, voice, words
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:…
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*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word. He knew better*.
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*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men’s balls.”*
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*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh
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Apr 23 2009
Posted: under Advice & Tips.
Tags: advice, beauty, brush, check, comb, conditioner, fashion, funds, hair, hairdo, hairstyle, link, money, photos, sexy, shampoo, smiles, style, tips, updo, woman
For sexy, Veronica Lake waves, use a gloss-enhancing shampoo and conditioner. Then blow-dry hair straight as you would normally.
Posted: under Advice & Tips.
Tags: advice, artist, baby, beauty, check, eyes, funds, hair, hairdo, hairstyle, ingredient, ingredients, lips, lipstick, makeup, money, nature, oil, shampoo, style, tips, treats, trick
We’re all forced to be recessionistas right now. But skimping a bit here and there doesn’t have to cramp your style. To show you how easy it is to look sexy on a budget, try these cheap beauty tricks from savvy experts and Cosmo readers.
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Fix a scuff for small change.
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“When a French mani chips, you can save money and time by touching up with Wite-Out instead of going back to the salon.” —Farnoosh Torabi, author of You’re So Money: Live Rich Even When You’re Not
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Skimp on makeup remover.
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“Johnson’s Baby Shampoo with the No More Tears formula is a great, gentle way to take off your eye makeup. A big bottle costs less and lasts much longer than tiny bottles of actual eye-makeup remover.” —Makeup artist Kimara Ahnert
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Jan 27 2009
Posted: under Short Funny Jokes.
Tags: age, alcohol, attendant, bar, beer, birthday, captain, champagne, Chinese, church, coffee, donkey, drunk, elderly, film, flight, fool, funny, gin, government, hospital, humor, idiot, job, jokes, laughter, liquor, man, mayor, minister, money, movie, New York, Olympics, parson, party, pastor, pilot, plane, politics, pope, preacher, president, priest, reverend, rum, scotch, seniors, sermon, service, shampoo, short, smiles, sports, tequila, ticket, vodka, whiskey, wine, woman, work
Palin Pick
John McCain has picked Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. We’re learning more and more about Governor Palin.
Apparently her daughter’s name is Juno.
- Jay Leno
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Second Fattest
According to a new study, Mexico is now the second fattest nation on Earth, right behind the United States.
That’s because the only people left in Mexico are the ones too fat to actually run across the border.
- Jay Leno
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Liquid Vote
According to CNN News, John McCain would win if only beer drinkers voted. A Democrat, either Hillary or Barack, would win if only wine drinkers voted.
Here’s the interesting part: If we all got drunk on tequila, Ralph Nader might actually have a shot.
- Jay Leno
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Chinese Oil
The latest word is that China is going to go into the oil business. We could one day get our gasoline from China.
Good luck trying to find unleaded.
- Jay Leno
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Gore Birthday
Happy birthday to Al Gore. God bless him. He’s 60 years old.
He just couldn’t enjoy his party, though. He was so obsessed with how quickly the ice cream was melting.
- Jay Leno
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Suicide Donkeys
It seems that terrorists are using suicide donkeys to carry out missions. They pack them with explosives and then detonate them.
Let me tell you something: If you use a donkey for a suicide mission, you can pretty much kiss your ass goodbye.
- Jay Leno
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Decathlon
President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. I don’t think he really understands the Olympics that well.
They asked him if he liked the decathlon, and he said, no, he preferred regular coffee.
- Jay Leno
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Pricey Gas
Gas is getting quite expensive.
In LA now if you call 911 they ask you if you can meet the ambulance halfway.
- Jay Leno
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Adultery Sermon
On Sunday, Hillary Clinton attended church services in Bowling Green. It just so happened that the minister gave a 60 minute sermon on adultery.
Here is the really embarrassing part: Right after the minister finished, Bill stood up and gave a 20 minute rebuttal.
- Jay Leno
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American Gladiators
The show “American Gladiators” is a big hit on NBC.
This show is for people who like professional wrestling but are unable to follow the plot.
- Jay Leno
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Buy Happiness
According to a study by the University of British Columbia and Harvard, money can buy happiness but only if you spend the money on someone else.
To which former Governor Eliot Spitzer said, “See!”
- Jay Leno
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Meeting Record
Oil company executives met with Congress yesterday.
Oil executives talking to politicians. I believe they set a record for the most number of lies ever told in one room.
- Jay Leno
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Virtual Fence
The government has pulled the plug on the virtual fence it was going to build along the U.S. - Mexican border.
Why announce that? Why not just say it’s there. At least it will scare off the really stupid people.
- Jay Leno
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Pregnant Man?
A man in Oregon claims he’s pregnant.
And you thought you had a wild spring break.
- Jay Leno
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Dr. Seuss Movie
The big movie that is opening this weekend is the Dr. Seuss film, “Horton Hears a Who.”
Don’t confuse it with the new film about the governor of New York, “Eliot Hires a Ho.”
- Jay Leno
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Poverty Rate
According to a new report, New Jersey has the lowest poverty rate of any state.
You know what that means? Even poor people don’t want to live in New Jersey.
- Jay Leno
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Alchohol Warning
Delegates at the Democratic Convention received three separate warnings not to drink too much, because alcohol has a much stronger effect in higher altitudes.
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Sep 03 2008
Posted: under Short Funny Jokes.
Tags: alcohol, bar, beer, champagne, church, drunk, funny, gin, humor, jokes, laughter, liquor, money, nun, pastor, pope, preacher, priest, reverend, rum, scotch, sermon, shampoo, short, smiles, tequila, vodka, whiskey, wine
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to
pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked
the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very
nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable
about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without
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Aug 12 2008
