Posted: under Jamaican Jokes.
Tags: age, air, attention, attorney, bank, check, classic, computer, dictionary, difference, dumb, earth, era, exam, flight, fool, friends, friendship, fun, funds, funny, funtime, game, global, globe, hand, hands, hilarious, history, humor, idiot, internet, Jamaican, jokes, land, language, laughter, lawyer, legs, letter, mail, money, moon, moron, nut, nuts, online, passenger, period, phone, plane, play, quiz, sleep, smiles, sound, stupid, test, time, universe, voice, wealth, words
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This is hilarious! A true classic.
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A lawyer and a Jamaican are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that Jamaicans are so dumb that he can fool them easy… So the lawyer asks if the Jamaican would like to play a fun game.
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The Jamaican is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.
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‘I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5; You ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.’
This catches the Jamaican’s attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
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The lawyer asks the first question.
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‘What’s the distance from The Earth to the moon?’
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The Jamaican doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
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Now, it’s the Jamaican’s turn.
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He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’
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Feb 07 2012
Posted: under "A Slice Of Life", "LOVE is LOVELY", "Life is precious handle with PRAYER!", "When You're Down to Nothing God's UP to Something", Inspirationals.
Tags: age, aid, aim, air, anxiety, baby, bank, belief, blessings, bliss, care, career, caring, charity, check, child, college, comfort, community, companion, compassion, contribution, couple, dad, depression, difference, donation, duty, earth, era, eyes, faith, family, father, father-in-law, finger, fingers, friends, friendship, funds, gas, gift, global, globe, goal, God, granny, gratitude, hand, hands, happiness, heart, history, home, House, hug, hugs, husband, idea, ideas, inspiration, job, joy, labor, land, language, life, lifestyle, lifetime, listening, love, man, marriage, memory, moment, money, mood, mother, mother-in-law, mountain, need, needs, neighbor, neighborhood, others, parents, partner, period, power, prayer, pride, reason, rivers, school, sharing, smiles, sound, spouse, stream, stress, surprise, task, thankfulness, thought, time, token, trust, truth, universe, voice, water, wealth, wife, wind, woman, words, work, world
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Whirlwind
==========
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I have no idea why I am sitting here about to tell the world
about my situation, but maybe it will help someone.
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A little over a year ago I found myself back home, working two
jobs, single, feeling alone and pregnant.
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Now the reason for me being back home was so that I could save
some money so that I might be able to buy my first home. I was
working two jobs so that I could pay my current bills off.
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I also wanted to start a new career. I was a nail tech and an
intake person. I was 28 years old, a single woman longing to be
married but finding myself alone and pregnant which I thought
would never happen.
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My mother and step-father gave me the option to move in for one
year so that I could save a little faster. Well my year had
come to a close and it was time to go, if you know what I mean.
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One day I felt like I was sitting in a chair in the middle of
the room and looking above only to see the whirlwind of my
problems going around me. I was like “wow if I get pulled up
into this mess I’d just keel over.” Well you know what happened
next. Our words do have power because all of a sudden it seems
as though I became trapped in this whirlwind.
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I then began to give up until I remembered that God said that we
should cast all of our worries unto Him, so I began to pray a
prayer with all my heart. With faith I believed that He would
fix all of this, but I didn’t quite know how.
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The next day while working at the nail shop around 5 p.m.,
I began to tell a client of mine about my situation. After
crying all over myself at the end of her appointment, she gave
me a big hug and said that I was strong and everything would
work itself out. Now that was the last thing that I wanted to
hear. I was in trouble and needed major help.
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So by the end of my shift around 10 p.m. that client of mine who
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Jan 23 2012
Posted: under "A Slice Of Life", Funny and Hilarious Jokes, Nasty and Rude Jokes.
Tags: age, belief, birthday, body, breakfast, bus, car, channel, cheer, child, church, coffee, courage, day, diamonds, diet, dinner, duty, encouragement, era, exercise, experience, faith, fool, funny, gift, global, globe, gratitude, gym, health, hilarious, history, humanity, humor, instruction, instructions, job, jokes, journey, labor, language, laughter, leg, legs, life, listening, message, morning, moron, mother, path, present, road, sandwich, Saturday, service, smiles, snack, snacks, sound, sport, strength, stupid, sugar, Sunday, surprise, task, tea, teacher, teeth, television, thankfulness, time, today, traffic, travel, treats, trip, truck, universe, vampire, vehicle, voice, weight, woman, words, work, world
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A WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM
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If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
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Dear Diary,
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For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 40 something years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
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I started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair,dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
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TUESDAY:
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I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It’s a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
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The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
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THURSDAY:
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Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl I couldn’t help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was
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Nov 03 2011
Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes.
Tags: anger, brain, cemetery, companion, couple, devil, duty, exam, funny, ghost, government, hilarious, humor, husband, interview, job, jokes, labor, language, laughter, man, Mathematics, mind, obituary, partner, satan, skill, skills, smiles, sound, spouse, task, test, thought, time, tool, tools, voice, wife, woman, words, work
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There was an opening for an assassin at the FBI.
Three people applied for the job, two men and a woman.
All three were called in to interview on the same day.
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First up was Ed. Ed walked into the room, and was asked
do you have what it takes to do this job? Ed quickly replied,
yes I do. The man then handed Ed a gun and was told that
his wife was in the next room - kill her.
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Ed said there is
no way that I could kill my wife. The man then replied, you’re
free to go.
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Next up was Bob. The man handed Bob a gun and said
your wife is in the next room - kill her. Bob went into the next
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Jun 22 2011
Posted: under "A Slice Of Life", "When You're Down to Nothing God's UP to Something", Inspirationals.
Tags: action, advice, aid, anxiety, attitude, behavior, belief, blessings, burden, comfort, courage, depression, difference, drugs, eyes, faith, finance, future, God, heart, help, humanity, inspiration, language, lesson, life, listening, load, love, man, medication, medicine, moment, money, mountain, obedience, others, peace, prayer, rain, rainbow, sound, strength, stress, surprise, tips, trust, understanding, voice, waiter, weight, wisdom, woman, words
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Let Go
=======
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One day while climbing towards a high cliff a man slipped and
fell over the edge.
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Frantic - he grabbed at a branch jutting out from a tree and
yelled out,
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“Oh, God, help me.”
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He looked down while holding on tight and saw only jagged rocks.
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Clutching even tighter to the branch he cried out again,
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“God…Please help me.”
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Suddenly he felt God’s presence and heard God ask,
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“My son, what can I do for you?’
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The man, somewhat relieved, answered,
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“Please God, help me. Save me.”
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God said quietly,
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“Do you love me?
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Do you trust me?
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Do you believe in me?”
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“Yes, yes, I love you. I trust you and I believe in you,”
the man shouted.
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“Well, if indeed you love me, trust me, and believe in me,
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LET GO.”
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With some hesitation and another look below at the jagged rocks,
the man asked,
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“Is there anybody else up there I can talk to?”
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We often seek other answers when our real answer can only come
when we “Let Go” of some things.
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Though the above is an often-told joke, it is a true parable.
So often in counseling, I tell people the same thing.
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“You have got to let go. That situation is killing you.
It is killing your peace, your finances, and your future.
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You must let go!”
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Often they will inwardly feel just as the hanging man asked,
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“Is there anybody else that I can talk to, because I am afraid
to let go? I know the situation is killing me, that’s why I’m
here. I know that what I am holding on to is destined to die.
I know I cannot fully live while I remain embraced with it.
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But I am soooo… afraid.
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Afraid that I might fall if I let go.”
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Like a person on drugs, you often must “come down” before you
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Jul 24 2010
Posted: under Short Funny Jokes.
Tags: baptism, Baptist, bishop, cat, child, church, duty, eyes, funny, hilarious, humor, job, jokes, labor, lake, language, laughter, Little Johnny, man, minister, mother, ocean, parent, pastor, pond, pool, pope, preacher, priest, rain, reverend, rivers, sea, sermon, short, smiles, sound, stream, Sunday, task, thought, water, woman, words, work
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Johnny’s Mother looked out the window and noticed him “playing church” with their cat.
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He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.
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She smiled and went about her work.
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A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the
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Apr 29 2010