Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes.
Tags: age, air, arm, arms, aroma, beans, birth, birthday, bridge, car, cemetery, companion, couple, decision, destination, dinner, duty, effect, eggs, era, family, fart, feeling, flowers, food, force, fragrance, friends, funny, gas, ghost, girl, hand, hands, highway, hilarious, history, home, House, humor, husband, job, jokes, journey, labor, language, laughter, legs, love, man, marriage, movement, noise, obituary, odor, partner, party, passion, path, peas, perfume, period, phone, power, prize, promise, repairs, restaurant, road, sacrifice, scent, smell, smiles, sound, spouse, surprise, tablecloth, task, time, travel, trip, vehicle, weight, wife, wind, winner, woman, words, work
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Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them.
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One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to baked beans. He decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up his beloved baked beans. A short time later they were married.
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Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down. He was not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk the rest of the way. He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles to go, and decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching home. Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans. Even as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. He pooted up a hill, and poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer to home, the frequency and forcefulness diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe.
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Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and was seized with a terrible urgency. As he waited just outside his front door to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door. She excitedly exclaimed, “Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise dinner for you.”
She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
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When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg and loudly broke wind. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin
and began to fan the air about him. He just started feeling better when he felt another urge. He again raised one leg and let her rip. It sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging. He fanned until his arms ached. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another powerful
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Feb 27 2012
Posted: under Nasty and Rude Jokes.
Tags: accident, age, beauty, bliss, check, cheer, classic, color, colors, destination, duty, election, era, funds, funny, government, happiness, highway, hilarious, history, humor, job, jokes, journey, joy, labor, language, laughter, light, loan, mind, model, money, music, musician, nation, noise, office, path, period, politics, pride, radio, road, salesman, singer, smiles, sound, support, supporter, task, time, tour, tourist, traffic, travel, trip, truck, vehicle, voice, vote, voter, words, work
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I bought a new Chevy Avalanche
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And returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn’t get the radio to work.
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The salesman explained that the radio was voice Activated.
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‘Nelson,’ the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, ‘Ricky or Willie?’
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‘Willie!’ he continued and ‘On The Road Again’
Came from The speakers.
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Then he said, ‘Ray Charles!’, and in an instant ‘
Georgia On My Mind’ replaced Willie Nelson.
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I drove away happy, and for the next few days, Every
Time I’d say, ‘Beethoven,’
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I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
Beatles,’ I’d get one of their awesome songs.
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Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck,
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Feb 23 2012
Posted: under "YUMMY FOOD FOR THOUGHT".
Tags: age, aim, air, beacon, bliss, bridge, candle, cheer, destination, elderly, era, eyes, fire, flame, food, goal, grace, happiness, highway, history, hope, humor, jokes, journey, joy, laughter, life, lifestyle, lifetime, light, lighthouse, Lord, love, man, others, peace, perception, period, prayer, road, seniors, sense, smiles, thought, time, torch, tour, travel, trip, vehicle, vision, wind, woman
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Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!
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Feb 19 2012
Posted: under "DID YOU KNOW".
Tags: abroad, Africa, African-American, age, aid, aim, air, America, American, beacon, black, blacks, car, Caribbean, charity, children, classic, cold, color, colors, contribution, country, destination, dinner, donation, drugs, duty, earth, era, example, fashion, fire, flame, food, foreign, Frederick Douglass, future, gas, gift, global, globe, goal, grown ups, hand, hands, hero, history, home, House, humor, ice, inspiration, invention, island, Jamaica, Jamaican, job, journey, knowledge, labor, land, laughter, letter, life, lifestyle, lifetime, light, love, magazine, mail, Malcolm X, man, Marcus Garvey, Martin Luther King, mind, model, nation, others, path, pencil, period, power, present, pumps, quotes, race, road, role model, sharing, sign, smiles, style, task, team, ticket, time, token, tool, tools, traffic, train, travel, universe, vehicle, W.E.B. Dubois, wealth, wishes, woman, work, world, youth
Martin Luther King
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Share with your Children
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Life Without Black People
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A very humorous and revealing story is told about a group of white people who were fed up with African Americans, so they joined together and wished themselves away. They passed through a deep dark tunnel and emerged in sort of a twilight zone where there is an America without black people.
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At first these white people breathed a sigh of relief.
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‘At last’, they said, ‘no more crime, drugs, violence and welfare.’
. All of the blacks have gone! Then suddenly, reality set in. The ‘NEW AMERICA’ is not America at all - only a barren land. Read More
Feb 07 2012
Posted: under Funny and Hilarious Jokes, Short Funny Jokes.
Tags: abroad, accident, Africa, age, air, alcohol, America, attorney, awards, bar, beaches, beer, brandy, breakfast, bus, car, champagne, check, cheer, clerk, cold, cop, court, destination, dinner, doctor, dumb, era, family, finger, fingers, fire, food, fool, foreign, friends, friendship, funds, funny, gas, gin, glory, health, hilarious, history, home, honor, hospital, hotel, House, humor, ice, idiot, insurance, jail, jokes, journey, judge, laughter, lawyer, letter, license, liquor, magic, mail, man, Mathematics, memory, money, moron, motel, New York, nurse, officer, passenger, path, patient, patrolman, period, photos, physician, police, pub, restaurant, road, robber, rum scotch, sheriff, short, smiles, snack, snacks, snow, specialist, stupid, surgeon, tequila, thief, ticket, time, tool, tools, traffic, train, travel, treats, trooper, vehicle, vodka, whiskey, wind, wine, winner, winter, woman, youth
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The Darwins are out !!!!
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Yes … it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
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Here is the glorious winner:
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1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
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And now, the honorable mentions:
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2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
finger. The chef’s claim was approved.
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3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
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4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3
days.
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5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
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6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives
you money, is a crime committed?]
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7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
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Feb 06 2012
Posted: under "When You're Down to Nothing God's UP to Something", Advice & Tips, Inspirational Poetry, Inspirationals.
Tags: advice, age, aim, anxiety, belief, bliss, care, check, cheer, Christ, color, colors, comfort, day, depression, determination, direction, duty, encouragement, era, example, faith, family, friends, friendship, funds, goal, God, happiness, hope, inspiration, instruction, instructions, insurance, Jesus, job, journey, joy, King, labor, learning, life, light, Lord, love, man, money, moon, new year, others, path, perception, period, perseverance, relaxation, rest, road, role model, Savior, smiles, star, stress, success, sunset, sunshine, task, time, tips, tour, travel, trip, vehicle, war, winner, wishes, woman, work
“Seize the Day, greet the sun, welcome the moon, wish upon a star!”
- Annie Danielson
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“DON’T QUIT”
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When things go wrong as they sometimes will
When the road you’re trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.
(~)~(~)~(~)
Life is odd with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.
(~)~(~)~(~)
Success is failure turned inside out,
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Jan 01 2012